LXC Maps

Real Househusbands of Philadelphia : Part 2

2011-08-04T09:25:00.001-07:00

Free Market

2011-06-29T15:03:00.000-07:00

Tea Party: "The government only interferes."

Also, this article was also forwarded by Casimir Pulaski. Michelle Bachmann is predictably full of shit.

Flappers in Burbank. Tonight- 8PM Show for $5

2011-06-01T09:49:00.000-07:00

http://www.comedycasting.com/h2fnew/index.php

I'm at Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank, CA tonight at 8PM.
Club is great and the line-up should be as well.

Tickets are $5.

May 5

2011-05-05T10:33:00.000-07:00

Top 5 Songs For Your Week

2011-05-02T18:18:00.000-07:00

5.) Biz Markie - Just a Friend

- The Panera on Lincoln Blvd. just asked me for first month, last month and security deposit. It has every right. I'm here about 20 hours per week writing this rom-com treatment because it feels too weird writing it at the office. The Panera and I are just friends, though I'd definitely get the Cuban Panini pregnant if it asked.

/Cuban Panini and I are just Facebook friends.

The majority of stand-up shows I've booked over the last three years have been booked through Facebook. I'd love to get off of there if I could. Because nothing incites a tiny panic in me as regularly as "________" tagged you in a Facebook "______."

4.) Soul Coughing - Circles

- I worked on TV Guide's Royal Wedding coverage with Kathy Griffin last week. Top 3 jokes that didn't make it:
1. The wedding is on a Friday because it's crazy expensive to rent Westminster Abbey on a weekend.
2. Swaziland's King was a controversial invite. Whackjobs in Swaziland insist he can't be King of Swaziland because they believe he was actually born on the South Side of Chicago.
3. (Kathy talks about having ginger babies with Prince Harry.) Did you know when Ginger babies open their eyes underwater they can see the future?

3.) Bearbot - Stuntin' Like My Only Swerving

- Can you feel it in the air? That special time of year when decorations go up and there's an Axl Christ in your mall food court? It's UNO DU JUNO!

This year the festivities will be held in the Los Angeles area. Tour begins in Venice Beach at the Venice Wine Bar, where you can drink with 28 year old surfer/waiters who don't use sunscreen so they all look like Iggy Pop.

Then we are biking to Baja Cantina for fresh fruit margaritas. HACK YOUR OWN MANGO STATION! The 3rd Movement in this drunken bike symphony will be a barbecue at the LMU Boathouse accompanied by a mariachi band that I found on Craigslist.

2.)Kate & Anna McGarrigle - Heart Like A Wheel

- I finished Tina Fey's Bossypants this week. Book made me laugh out loud at least once per page. She's the best comedy writer working. She's also from my hometown, Upper Darby.

When I was a kid, I would wake up at 7AM every day of the Summer. I had to be quarantined for three hours by my Dad. If he didn't, I would have started knocking on doors at 7:05 to see who wanted to play box hockey at the Tot Lot. I interrupted a number of families at breakfast before Ed Cunningham instituted the "No Knocking On Doors Before 10AM" Rule.

Tot Lot was a program for latchkey kids run by local parks over the Summer. Rather than go to school, you would report to your local park to learn how to make crafts (some) or learn how delicious glue is (most). Box hockey is a sport pictured here:

Though they look like their playing with props from Game of Thrones and we played with 9" long wooden sticks. Their court looks like what the Ivan Drago of box hockey would train on.

One time the Tot Lot took us to Upper Darby's Summer Stage, which is where Tina Fey started her career. I watched a production of Our Town when I was 9. I'm sure I leaned forward and looked earnest but I understood NONE of it. I was good at convincing other kids that I understood adult things like plays, mustaches, and how you could only conceive a child via anal sex. (True childhood story best told another time.)

Summer Stage used "Heart Like A Wheel" between the second and third acts of Our Town. In the Summer of 1988, I asked my Dad to buy three cassingles: this song, Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock's "It Takes Two", and Samantha Foxx's "I Wanna Have Some Fun." Between these and stealing Owen's copy of "Appetite For Destruction" my musical taste made no sense from an early age.

/Notice it's still AXL Christ that's the mascot for our fake holiday.

1.) The New Pornographers - Failsafe

Bin Laden's extermination nearly broke the internet. Nice job, Navy Seals. Nice job, Obama Administration. Now that he's buried, we begin the long journey of finding his 7 mystical horcruxes.

Top 5 Twitter Jokes:
5. @TedAlexandro: When I saw 'Bin Laden Killed' I thought, "Afghanistan had its correspondents dinner last night?"
4. @ DaveAnthony: "I loosened it." - George W. Bush
3. @NateBargatze: Things are pretty awkward in my cab right now.
2. @OsamaInHell: Standing and cheering at my death is the most exercise Americans have gotten in years.
1. @RobDelaney: First killing pirates and now Bin Laden, he may not be American but Obama is definitely part of the Justice League.

Adorable

2011-04-28T12:11:00.001-07:00

The Comedy Store- Tonight @ 10

2011-04-27T13:23:00.000-07:00

"Obama: I was born in Hawaii.
Birther: Well, I never been but I'm sure that part of Africa as the Liberalest Muslims."

I'm at the Comedy Store, tonight @ 10PM.
8433 Sunset BLVD.

It's a callback for the Montreal Comedy Festival, the most prestigious festival in the world. . Montreal is a wonderful town with an electric little B&B, Les Bons Matins.

Also, I'm writing on Kathy Griffin's coverage of the Royal Wedding. Runs Friday night on TV Guide Network.

Whomever got that done to their nails should enjoy a nice paint-thinner smoothie.

Clip Artsy

2011-04-22T13:23:00.000-07:00

http://clipartsy.tumblr.com

That is the link for Clip Artsy, a blog run by Chris Kula. Recaptions the clip art used in middle schools all over our fine country. It is consistently hilarious.

Top 5 for 4/21

2011-04-21T11:40:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to Ed Cunningham, who would have been 63 years old today. Hope you enjoy watching me tell jokes on Jimmy Fallon's show in a month.

5.) Dropkick Murphys - Amazing Grace

4.) The Beatles - Rocky Raccoon

3.) Roy Rogers - Don't Fence Me In

2.) Elvis - If I Can Dream

1.) The Rolling Stones - Sweet Virginia

Like A Rock

2011-04-20T17:08:00.000-07:00

Saturday, I built this rack on my truck.

Later I helped a lady change a tire on the 405. At midnight I got in to a knifefight with a Navajo Shaman, which is of course the third sign needed to make Bob Seger appear and sing your future.

I'm really happy with how things turn out.

/The woman I've wanted all along + Jet pack

Top 5 Songs For Your Week

2011-04-18T09:31:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to Jamie Koven, the only man ever inducted in to the Brown University Hall of Fame during Freshman Orientation.

5.) Sheila E. - The Glamourous Life

I want to go to The Standard Hotel with a boombox and hold it over my head like Cusack while it plays this song for all the wannabe fameballs. Though Kim Kardashian just re-upped for three years and $44M for Keeping Up With The Kardashians so maybe they're on the right track.

$44M! Making oil baron money for being backed up? Kim said, "I want this money to be in my family for generations."

That makes sense if you've ever seen the Kardashian Family Crest. It's a blue cross on a white field, dividing the crest in to four quadrants. In the quadrants are:
- $
- Two Armenian black bears filming a sex tape
- A lion who is also a double murderer walking free after a trial
- A spelling test with an 'F' on it. Because 'country' was spelled with a 'k.'

It's an incredibly prescient family crest.

/Kardashians are pre-cogs

4.) R. Kelly - Love Letter

Since posting Real Househusbands of Philadelphia to YouTube, we've gotten an overwhelmingly positive response. However, one gentleman took issue with a picture of Memorial Hall in Philadelphia which I labeled the 'Museum of the Goatee'. The gentleman is from the Please Touch Museum in Philly, which is a museum for kids. The Please Touch is not labeled in our video, it is not mentioned or referenced. We do not use their signage. And clearly we are not targeting our video toward their clientele, children.

The Please Touch Museum is a great museum which is poorly run. The Philadelphia Inquirer recently did an exposee on how the museum has overloaded itself with debt and has far too many "executives" drawing high salaries compared to museums of similar size and theme. Essentially, the museum has too many guys with big titles who think they can use it as a cash cow. One of those guys complained about the use of Memorial Hall, a 135 year old building which the PTM does not own.

The entire exchange is listed below. I tried to be nice:

From: "Joe XXXXX" <jXXXXXX@pleasetouchmuseum.org>
Date: April 13, 2011 5:21:26 PM GMT-04:00
To: <BirdText@gmail.com>
Subject: please take please touch museum off of your video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VXnXylmQEx4&feature=youtu.be
Hi

If you could please take the outside shot of Please Touch Museum, the children’s museum of Philadelphia, (at approximately the :46 second mark) from your video, we would greatly appreciate it.

Please get back with me to let me know this is taken care of, and thank you in advance.

Joe Costello
Vice President External Relations & Business Development
Please Touch Museum® at Memorial Hall, Fairmount Park
4231 Avenue of the Republic
Philadelphia, PA 19131
215-581-3169 (direct)
267-231-5896 (cell)
jcostello@pleasetouchmuseum.org

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Hi Joe-

I'm Luke. Nice to meet you. Your email was referred to me by Jen Parker.

I understand that we used a photo of Memorial Hall in our video. However, there is no mention of the museum by name and the video is not at all targeted toward your audience, children.

May I ask why the need to remove the photo if it makes no mention of your facility or the Please Touch Museum and certainly doesn't disparage your wonderful Museum? Each member of our group attended your Museum at its previous location when we were kids. There is no signage of the PTM in the picture. And there is zero chance of people thinking the PTM is in any way affiliated with our work.

It's a joke. One which we feel does not come at the cost of the Please Touch Museum.

All the Best,
Luke

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Hi Luke

I appreciate your response and the fact that you all visited the museum as children! But the jist of this is any third party usage of the museum's image must be approved of by the museum and certainly not used for jokes, parodies, skits, etc. without our permission.

You mention that there is zero chance that anyone would associate us with your video. There is always the chance and whether the general public make that association or not, Please Touch Museum does not wish to be associated with the video. We do request that you remove the museum from the video by close of business tomorrow (Thurs. April 14 at 5 pm) .

Thank you again Luke for your timely response.

Joe Costello
VP External Relations
Please Touch Museum

________________________________

From: Luke Cunningham [mailto:lukexcunningham@gmail.com]
Sent: Wed 4/13/2011 6:11 PM
To: Joe Costello
Subject: YouTube Video

> Joe-
>
> I understand why you would want to be associated with our admittedly hilarious video but we opted to never mention your institution. We are honored you took time out of your work day to watch it, especially considering the recent story in the Philadelphia Inquirer that PTM cannot meet its debt obligations and is one of the nation's museums cited for exorbitant administrative costs.
>
> It's a photo of a public building which has stood for 135 years, part of which your institution occupies. The sketch makes no mention of the Please Touch Museum.

>
> Joe, we have no intention of taking it down and are sorry you feel this way.
>
> Feel free to have your lawyer contact me. We've already vetted the video with YouTube and are covered on that end.
>

> In short, spend more time selling subscriptions to your overextended museum and less being a humorless bully. "Please Touch" my balls.

>Byyyeeeeee,

>Luke

3.) Neil Young - Long May You Run

Neil Young played this on Conan's final episode of The Tonight Show.

I read Bill Carter's War For Late Night this week. I was making my way through the book while also preparing a submission for Kimmel and another for Letterman. Either would be a dream job and pay me an absurd amount of money to write jokes. Like, "Buy a house within a year" money.

Comedy is the strangest career. It's risk after risk and years of making nothing while on an apprenticeship which may never amount to a job. But if you hit, it's Kardashian money and suddenly all those risks seem like responsible choices on a clear path to success.

/Still the irresponsible Cunningham brother.
//Will spend any Kimmel salary on scratch tickets, Chipotle and fireworks.

2.) Weezer - Beverly Hills

Brazzers . com has a company soccer team which plays at the field near the Santa Monica Airport every Sunday morning. Austen and I saw them while eating at the Spitfire Grill next to the field. In related news, I will eat Sunday brunch at Spitfire Grill near the Santa Monica Airport from now 'til eternity.

1.) Jeremih & 50 Cent - Down On Me

If you don't like this song WE AIN'T FRIENDS NO MORE!
- Aziz Ansari

The Real Househusbands of Philadelphia

2011-04-05T13:06:00.000-07:00

We shot this sketch Super Bowl weekend. Bird Text show is tonight, April 5 at Helium in Philadelphia. Same guys in this sketch will be performing. Brendan Cunningham worked on this as well, doing a bang-up job holding the hockey stick that doubled as a boom mic. And doing it with what turned out to be a torn labrum.

State by State Haikus : California

2011-03-31T22:55:00.000-07:00

I'm driving across the country, writing a haiku about every state through which I pass.

California :

Let's get to work, Miss/
You've got the light in your eyes./
California.

State by State Haikus : Arizona

2011-03-31T22:49:00.000-07:00

I'm driving across the country, writing a haiku about every state through which I pass.

Arizona:
Peaks, valleys, then peaks./
Why, topographically/
you're a Pixies song.

State by State Haikus : Utah

2011-03-31T22:46:00.000-07:00

I'm driving across the country, writing a haiku about every state through which I pass.

Utah:
Where are my black folks?/
Are you the South Africa,/
of America ?

State by State Haikus : New Mexico

2011-03-31T22:42:00.000-07:00

I'm driving across the country, writing a haiku about every state through which I pass.

New Mexico:

America, why -/
We have a New Mexico /
But "Stay out, Beaners!" ?

State by State Haikus : Texas

2011-03-31T22:34:00.000-07:00

Texas:

Your name resonates/
With Cowboys and Indians/
Can't catch me, Lawdog!

State by State Haikus : Oklahoma

2011-03-27T20:26:00.000-07:00

I'm driving across the country.

Here is a haiku for every state through which I've passed.

Oklahoma :
Please uncross your arms/
Show me where Texas touched you./
Won't hurt you again.

State by State Haikus : Missouri

2011-03-27T20:20:00.000-07:00

I'm driving across the country.

Here is a haiku for every state through which I've passed.

Missouri:
You guys are the kid/
No one remembers from school/
But is successful.

State by State Haikus : Illinois

2011-03-27T20:11:00.000-07:00

I'm driving across the country.

Here is a haiku for every state through which I've passed.

Illinois:
Chicago is cool/
But as to the rest of you/
Sure ain't Chicago.

State by State Haikus: Indiana

2011-03-27T20:07:00.000-07:00

I'm driving across the country.

Here is a haiku for every state through which I've passed.

Indiana:
Illinois told me/
"Indiana's pussy smells."/
I did not listen!

State by State Haikus : Ohio

2011-03-27T20:02:00.000-07:00

I'm driving across the country.

Here is a haiku for every state through which I've passed.

Ohio:
Rest, aging bully/
Your mustache smells like cheap beer,/
Michigan's Stepdad.

State by State Haikus: Pennsylvania

2011-03-27T19:55:00.000-07:00

I'm driving across the country.

Here is a haiku for every state through which I've passed.

Pennsylvania:
Philadelphia/
Then seven hours to Pittsburgh/
With 'Bama between.

State by State Haikus: New Jersey

2011-03-27T19:49:00.000-07:00

I'm driving across the country.

Here is a haiku for every state through which I've passed.

New Jersey:
So misunderstood/
But keep your clothes on tonight/
Cause this ain't myspace.

State by State Haikus: New York

2011-03-27T19:44:00.000-07:00

I'm driving across the country.

Here is a haiku for every state through which I've passed.

New York:

Miss you already/
In your surliest embrace/
My back grew broader.

State By State Haikus: Connecticut

2011-03-27T19:40:00.000-07:00

Typical Connecticut street gang organizing a beat down on a rival's turf.

I'm driving across the country.

Here is a haiku for every state through which I've passed.

Connecticut:
Too long and narrow/
To merit my affection/
Whites by the water.

State by State Haikus: Rhode Island

2011-03-27T19:34:00.000-07:00

I'm driving across the country.

Here is a haiku for every state through which I've passed.

Rhode Island:

Sweet Rhode Island/
My joy's supreme soviet/
All vinyl siding.

Casimir Pulaski on Country Music

2011-03-22T07:41:00.000-07:00

Note: This was not addressed to me but to Win Keeeeley, Southern Gentleman and future driver of a sensible import crossover SUV.

It's not your affinity for country music per se that is troublesome. Admittedly, country music is a form of pop music that long ago disappeared up the asshole of its own mythology, such that it is now impossible for a country musician or a piece of country music to extend beyond a handful of stereotyped cliches: Hell-Raisin' Good Ol' Boy Has A Tender Side 'Cause He Loves His Momma And His Dawg; Spunky Bad Girl Goes Breakin' Hearts 'Cause She's Heartbroken; etc. My hero Joe Queenan captured this aspect of country music quite nicely in a passage he wrote about Garth Brooks, who single-handedly managed to personify every country-music cliche in existence:

In the typical Brooks song, "Mama's in the graveyard, Papa's in the pen," there's a fire burning bright, "this old highway is like a woman sometimes," and some old cowboy's "headin' back from somewhere he never should have been."

Garth is always sayin' a little prayer tonight, payin' his dues, shipping his saddle to Dad. But Jehosaphat, he wouldn't trade a single day, because love is like a highway, it's one big party, and let's face it: He drew a bull no man could ride. So all that's left to do is whisper a prayer in the fury of the storm and hope you don't miss The Dance.

It goes without saying that folks call Garth a maverick -- heck, there "must be rebel blood runnin' through (his) veins." But sometimes you've just got to go against the grain, "buck the system," even though "the deck is stacked against you." In short, Brooks's music was the musical equivalent of a Pat Buchanan stump speech, market-researched baloney where the lyrics were so generic you started to suspect he was using Microsoft's Drugstore Cowboy for Windows 95 (not available in a Macintosh format) to write them.

Still, its essentially cliched nature notwithstanding, I guess I can understand the appeal of country music under certain circumstances -- namely, while drunk on cheap blended whiskey in a bar below the Mason-Dixon line full of fat white beauticians and truck mechanics). So I don't blame you for that.

Rather, the problem lies with your affinity for Rascal Flatts, a group so bland and soulless as to make Garth Brooks look like Bootsy Collins. Rascal Flatts' "music" appears to have been created not by a band in a recording studio using musical instruments, but by a committee of suit-and-tied marketing executives in a conference room using Excel spreadsheets and Powerpoint decks laying out demographic trends and spending projections.

And a rebuttal from two men who are admittedly not Garth Brooks:

Top 5 Songs For Your Week : Rushmore Edition

2011-03-21T09:04:00.000-07:00

"What can I tell you, Max? She's my Rushmore. "

5.) John Lennon - Oh Yoko
1:00 in.

- Packing up and leaving for LA. Spent this past weekend in Miami Beach at my friend's wedding. In college, we went to Miami every winter for two weeks of brutal training. My hands would churn to taco meat by day 4. Crossing the bridge from Miami to Miami Beach gave me PTSD.

But the past three days in South Beach have made me a fan. Wedding was the best looking group of people I've ever seen assembled. Katherine Heigl was a bridesmaid. She was a great time. Gakwer seems to railroad her as a diva. She and her husband, Josh Kelley, couldn't have been more fun. Ali Larter was there and it took a lot for me to not nerd out and ask her questions about 'Heroes', which had the best first half of a season of any network drama in the last decade before nosediving.

4.) The Who - A Quick One While He's Away

- I made the decision to stay a half block away from the hotel where most other guests were staying, The Raleigh. It's an attempt to avoid the terrible decisions I will make if I stay at the SAME hotel as all of my friends.

/"I'll race you in a 5AM ocean swim as soon as I finish this bottle of Jim Beam. YOU STOP STARING AT ME, JIM!"
//After Midnight, my spirit animal is Keith Moon.

But my hotel was right next to a hostel.

Ugh. A hostel is great place for Weirdos from around the world to meet and exchange ideas. Good hustle, Weirdos; making sure that no one else ever stays in hostels but you guys.

/Weirdo is an international language that knows no boundaries.
//Isn't that right, guy with a pencil thin mustache and backpack who kept trying to give me the prison staredown outside the hostel?

3.) The Faces - Oohh La La

2.) Cat Stevens - The Wind

7:20 in.

- My second favorite scene from the movie. (Favorite scene is the one above where Schwartzmann and Bill Murray start going after each other while The Who plays.)

Schwartzmann was in Cracking Up on Fox with Dave Walton, my roommate from college who was married this weekend. Schwartzmann refused to change his name for movies. Good on him.

Examples of names changed for show business and their original birth names:
- Vin Diesel : Vin Dieselstein
- Kermit the Frog : Kermit the Filthy Irishman
- Meatloaf : Meatberg

1.) The Rolling Stones - I Am Waiting

- If you'd like to see me, my number is still the same. You know who you are.

Drew Magary's 'Haters Guide to the Field of 68'

2011-03-17T10:51:00.000-07:00

Drew Magary worked on the pilot for the Sports Show with Norm MacDonald with me. He's the funniest person writing about sports in America. He released the "Haters' Guide to the NCAA Tournament" this week.

Listed below are Drew's thoughts on Georgetown, which is Harvard for Smug Catholics. (Matt Karl is an alum and he's been kicking my ass at 'Words With Friends' all week. 52 points for VANES?!?!? Go suck a dick!) :

6. Georgetown: FACT: All Georgetown students are sent a comprehensive packing list before attending school. Mandatory items include:

-Docksiders

-Penny loafers (no actual pennies tucked inside, please. Tassels are allowed)

-Framed portrait of George Will

-Whale pants

-Whale shorts

-Whale belt

-Wicker picnic basket

-Full genealogical map of family dating back to arrival of Mayflower

-Selection of lavish, expensive hats in case of emergency Preakness party

-12 Bow ties

-Coterie of Filipino manservants to be stored in dorm bike room

Georgetown students are massive cunts.

The Situation Bombing

2011-03-16T10:32:00.000-07:00

http://tv.gawker.com/#!5782399/watch-the-situation-completely-bomb-at-the-donald-trump-roast

Speaking of bombing...

What is he babbling about when he goes after Jeselnik? Are you out of your mind? That guy will eat your face.

If any Supermodel actually slept with this tool, she should have her Supermodel license revoked. (Supermodel license = Tenjune VIP pass with a thick layer of coke dust on it. It gets you in free to loft parties and half off Domino's.)

Brooklyn Decker, if you agree with me, please keep staring forward at nothing.

What It's Like To Bomb

2011-03-14T13:59:00.000-07:00

I auditioned for Conan last night. I bombed.

There is no worse feeling in the world. Imagine if you could combine the shame of public embarrassment with the immediate introspection of fucking up at work. That's bombing.

Here is a rundown of my recent adventure in eating it.

7:15PM - Show up at Gotham Comedy Club in my new shirt /sweater combo that makes me look like I manage a Banana Republic. Shake hands with my manager from Babydoll Dixon Talent Management, Dan Bodansky. Dan is 5'8" and a former state champion wrestler in Maryland. He looks like a Jewish Wolverine.

7:22- Get the line-up. In order: Nate Bargatze, Dan Boulger, Marina Franklin, Todd Barry, Gary Gulman, James Smith, Sara Schaefer, Juilian McCullough, Mike Vecchione, annnnnnd ME. Followed by Neal Brennan.

Neal Brennan, who took the check spot, is the co-creator of Chappelle's Show. All the others have a Live at Gotham spot at least. That line-up is the '27 Yankees of stand-up in New York. I'm the jabrone that tells them what a great job they're doing and just wants to be around to get a championship ring.

7:44- Show starts and crowd is a bit tight for the host, Barry Weintraub. They are soundly unimpressed by the fact that this is a "showcase" show. "Showcase" means every comic will be doing 7-8 min of their best material.

7:51- First showcase comic, Nate Bargatze. He's on Bird Text in April. Nate does well. He's got a bit about texting his wife that is executed perfectly.

7:57 - Dan Boulger does one of the best boxing jokes I've ever heard. Crowd doesn't sustain laughs. It's never the crowd's fault. Some audiences are better than others. But when you bomb, as I will, the audience is not responsible. However, this crowd doesn't sustain laughs. They're short. If you were on a date with them, they wouldn't laugh. They'd smile, hum for a second, then go, "Oh, that's funny."
I would not take them on a second date.

8:21 - Todd Barry, Gary Gulman and James Smith take turns killing. Gulman is a guy I've admired since I started doing comedy five years ago. He eviscerates The Karate Kid and walks off stage. James Smith is the Australian guy from Flight of the Conchords. He manages to charm every woman in the room while also complaining about having to perform comedy. It's as much a magic trick as it is comedy. If he also wore a fireman's uniform and played an acoustic guitar he'd be unstoppable, the Galactus of stealing your girlfriend.

8:34 - Some mix up as Mike Vecchione takes the place of Julian McCullough and vice versa. I will be following Julian. Both of those guys do really well.

8:46 - I go on. It's pointed out that I'm tall. Start in with a "Womens Neighborhoods" bit. They are not on board. It ends with a loud cough.

8:47 - Marty/Party joke gets a titter of laughs. Flop sweat trickles down my brow. I start thinking about grad school applications.

8:48 - Hipster bit generates some laughs. Maybe we this will all be ok. Fuck you grad school!

8:49 - Goth MMA bit goes no place. We are back to an awkward stalemate. This shit sandwich with silence butter is delicious. Thank you, audience.

8:50 - Me: I enjoy the work of America's most decorated World War II veteran, Tom Hanks! Audience: We enjoy the work of talented comics. And we will tell you that through pained facial expressions and the increasing density of our crossed arms. Fuck you, WordClown!
/I'm paraphrasing.

8:51 - Make eye contact with an audience member for too long. He's at the front table eating dessert, slowly. He's doing filthy things to a spoon. It looks like he's blowing a robot. I can watch this while I talk. It's ok. Nobody is really listening.

8:51 - Where is the light? WHERE IS THE GODDAMN LIGHT?

8:52 - Snoop bit does ok but seems to come from nowhere. A girl at the table to the right of the stage audibly states, "Oh, maybe he's actually funny..." Thank you. TELL YOUR FRIENDS!

8:52.30 -Launch in to a bit about strip clubs because WHY NOT? A joke that ends with pantomiming a chunky burlesque dancer for a crowd that long ago decided I was an asshole.

8:53 - Oh sweet Mercy of Saint Peter, there's the light. Means this episode of my life is over. Me: "I will never forget this night and you will never remember me."

Crowd : ?
Me : (In my head) If V from V For Vendetta did stand up, how would he end a set where he ate shit? I know, "I will never..."

8:54 - Walk off-stage. Apologize to Dan. Begin hyperventilating. Walk through the streets of New York listening to Kris Kristofferson. Wishing I was Kris Kristofferson.

There are going to be nights like this. Let it go and move on. It all begins again tomorrow.

If you want the scars, you've got to have the war. That's just hardcore.

Galifianakis on SNL + Gotham Sunday night and Monday night

2011-03-13T15:04:00.000-07:00

http://tv.gawker.com/#!5781429/watch-zach-galifianakis-hilariously-random-snl-monologue

Zach Galifianakis killed it last night on SNL.

Some times I think I am doing comedy then I watch someone as talented as Galifianakis.

Auditioning for Conan tonight at Gotham @ 8. Tomorrow night for Fallon @ 8, also at Gotham. No cover. Come one out.

Muppet Morality Grid

2011-03-10T09:34:00.000-08:00

I enjoyed this grid from www.mightygodking.com :

Top 5 Songs for Your Week

2011-03-08T13:06:00.000-08:00

Top 5 Songs For Your Week:

5.) Wacka Flocka Flame - Hard In Da Paint

- Everything about this song and video are ridiculous. It's still mesmerizing. Nearly every extra in the video wears Bloods' black and red.

I don't find gangs intimidating; now I just find them to be a nuisance. How can I take the posturing seriously when the originator of gangster rap now looks like this?

The guy who coined the phrase 'Ain't Nuthin' But a G Thang' is now the black Elton John. Sensitive thugs, you all need hugs.

4.) Sufjan Stevens - All The Trees In The Field

- Lent begins tomorrow. I was a great Catholic foot soldier for about 9 years, from 1983 - 1992. Then I realized priests have no more power to converse with a divine creator than I do.

  Quick list of things I tried to giving up for Lent to varying degrees of success:
- Bacon
Semi-successful because I had no idea how to make it when I was a kid. Assumed something so delicious must involve a shaman and fortune of the Gods.
- Cawley's cheesefries
ANGUISH! Fat kid put in work to avoid grabbing these on the walk home from St. Laurence School.
- Pica's pizza
Colonial Village was a half-assed supermarket and deli in my neighborhood. It would sell day old slices from the best pizza place in the area. I'd buy at least two every day. Was I 250 in 8th grade? Yes, yes I was.
- All these women who kept blowin' up my phone
Just kidding. I watched enough TGIF on ABC to know the score in 1992.
- Asking my Dad to buy me GI Joe's at Clover
Excruciating at the time. In hindsight, he must have been thrilled I wasn't the only 5'9", 255lbs. kid still playing with action figures.
- Touching myself
Are my dead relatives watching?
- (the next year) Touching myself more than once a day
Hope those dead relatives are asleep when I crank one out.
- Basketball
One year I gave up playing something I really enjoyed for Jesus. It just made me fatter and more depressed.
/Metaphor for religion

3. The Smiths - This Charming Man

- My sister-in-law has contracted my brothers and I to play various characters for my nephew via voicemail. She texts then we call and leave a voicemail as the assigned character. My youngest brother plays Santa, obviously the most prime gig as Brendan gets to voice the best day of the year. There is no Easter Bunny because the Easter Bunny is an animal and doesn't have a phone.
/Can't argue with her logic!

Yesterday, I was given an audition as Saint Patrick. Really think I nailed it. Good fake brogue with an honest, off-the-cuff assessment of how my nephew should be good to his Mom at the upcoming Mother- Son Dance. Assuming I get the part, it will be the first non-voiceover audition I've gotten in a year. Hope it's a good omen because I'm auditioning for Fallon next Monday and Conan next Wednesday.

/Hitch your wagon to my rising star!

2.) Talking Heads (Cover By Arcade Fire)  - Naive Melody

- I'm headed to Miami next week for Dave Walton's wedding. Dave is marrying Majandra Delfino, who is lovely and Venezuelan. It will be the most attractive wedding I've ever attended, a parade of satin skin and shimmering teeth.
  I'm also excited about spending McChristmas in the least Irish place in America, Miami. Saint Patrick's Day was a big deal growing up, then I took a 4 year sabbatical from it at Brown because no one else celebrated it there.

/Drum circle kid on the Main Green: "Saint Patrick's Day is a fake holiday made up by the Saint Patrick industry so they can make more Saint Patricks. WAHHHH!"
//FunSponge

  St. Patrick's Day has come back in to my life in a big way. I couldn't be more happy about that. It's like an ex-girlfriend I never wanted to stop talking to decided to get back together one day per year.

1.) LCD Soundsystem - New York, I Love You

- Time here is winding down. A 24 year old lady just signed up to take my room. I've sold most of my furniture and am loading up my F150 for the drive.

   I like walking through the Village now and noting the changes; the transitional dietary fads. In 2003 it was Pommes Frittes but those begat cupcake places which begat "artisan frozen yogurt" places. Every time a PinkBerry closes, a hipster gets his fixie and a heroin habit.

/DeeDee Ramone'd

   I'm staying on the lease at TH107 so I can come back for a better writing job. But I'm not bouncing back and forth every pilot season.

Casimir Pulaski on The Oscars

2011-03-07T07:36:00.001-08:00

The Academy Awards took place a week ago as of last night.

I realized last night that I have no idea who won any of them.

I didn't watch the Awards on TV, but I didn't deliberately avoid it; the Gay Super Bowl is just something that it doesn't really occur to me to watch. And otherwise I did nothing during this week to avoid finding out who won.

On the contrary, because I have small children, over the course of the week I made multiple trips to the supermarket, the place where Oscar publicity is always hyper-prominent, so that large-bottomed women in sweatpants and Crocs can fantasize about being married to Hugh Jackman while they ring up their chocolate-covered fried DoubleStuf Oreos.

But I have no idea who won. Not Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Post-Production Sound Effects in a Foreign Animated Short Film Featuring Mutual Rimming . . . nothing.

In my sad little world, I consider this a strange sort of triumph.

My Favorite Lady: Greer Childers

2011-03-05T07:06:00.000-08:00

Greer Childers teaches you how to do facial exercises. She's an angel flying too low to the ground. She also happens to be the love of my life.

Top 5 Things You Need to Know About Greer:

5.) Greer's Diet
- It's a strict regimen of red wine and cigarettes. When Greer runs out of red wine, she pours Zima into fruit punch and mixes it with her skeletal hand. VOILA! We call it a Pinot Greer-gio.

/Tastes like making out with a Saint.

4.) Part-time Job
- Diet and lifestyle advice are Greer's side gig. She's got a full-time job as a hobgoblin.

/Be jealous.

3.) Past
- Greer is focused on the horizon; where she's going, not where she's been. You want to talk about her time as a point-man for the Khmer Rouge, you better talk to somebody else cause Greer will not dwell on her past and your negative energy is unwelcome.

/Power of positive thinking!

2.) Lovemaking
- Greer learned from the best. She spent nearly six years in the Erotic Arts Dojo of the one and only Stevie Nicks. You may spend a night with Ms. Childers, but you'll spend a lifetime aching for her Witchpussy.

/It whispers to you in your dreams.

1.) Good With Children

- There was a time when Greer would refer to any woman younger than her, no matter what age, as "garbage cunt." Now is not that time. She is a gentle, matronly woman who would like to instruct your daughters on the importance of staying beautiful through facial exercises.

/Da Vinci Code changed her life.

George Carlin Dubstep

2011-03-03T09:07:00.000-08:00

Dr. ND Kaluless puts down ital 'Froot Loop' and introduces this clip.

George Carlin gets live wit' da tingum and speaks da dubstep prophet truth:

1.) Politricks of Babylon

2.) Coming of Jah Kingdom

3.) Truebrary (dedicated to the teachings of HIM Hailie Selassie)

Top 5 Songs For Your Week

2011-03-02T15:39:00.000-08:00

5.) Cold War Kids - Audience

This is the theme song to BirdText. We got 150+ out to Helium on a Tuesday. You all have Tuesday TigerBlood. TigerBlood on a mufuckin' Tuesday? A TUESDAY!

The crowd at Helium from this past Friday's late show was the best I've ever encountered in my life. It's the closest I've ever felt to killing for 90 minutes. Crowd work killed. Riffs killed. Crowd was asking me for more KingBaby stories after the show.

I wanted to take everyone from that Friday show home and introduce them to my mother. Especially you, 85 year old lady in the front row with the mustachioed gentleman. I don't know how they expected me to concentrate when they sat Pure Sex right in front of me? If Sexy were an alcohol, you'd have been 100Proof.

4.) DJ Khaled - All I Do Is Win

- I help out with Columbia's rowing team. Every collegiate rowing team loses at least two or three recruits every year because the sport is a ton of work for little recognition.

/Metaphor for life.

A kid who quit last year, Amory, decided he would like to return to the team. He quit with extreme prejudice, going so far as to tell guys on the team, "You'll never win." Amory had a change of heart and claimed, "It's still in my blood. I'd like to go shoulder to shoulder with you guys." Conspicuously, Amory had this change of heart only a day after the brutal indoor winter training period ended. The team took a vote. Keep in mind the team could certainly afford to have another competent guy around as they need one more guy to fill out a third 8.

The results:
26 "Nos"
1 "Eat a bag of dicks, Amory."

/Honor
//Never met a tough guy named "Amory"

3.)Adele - Someone Like You

- I auditioned last night for the Montreal Comedy Festival. Could not have gone worse. Opposite of that Philadelphia crowd from last week.

Me: "I'm 6'7"."
Guy in audience: "No he ain't. 6'2" at most..."

Goal in comedy is a conversation with the audience. Some times you end up talking to assholes.

2.) Cold War Kids - Sensitive Kid

- The GOP totally has their priorities straight, going after those fatcat public school teachers. Remember how teachers ruined our economy in 2008 by selling shitty mortgage bonds and stuffing each bond with debt they KNEW to be toxic in order to increase their bonus? Or how whenever you go to a club, there's always a bunch of asshole Special Needs Instructors getting bottle service? And all of the shallow women claiming, "I just need to meet a guy who runs a Social Studies hedge fund..."

I hope you enjoyed living high on the hog, Teach!

Pensions and public sector unions are not significant problems unless you're a billionaire who needs cheaper labor. Main issue our country faces is still health care. We can't pay 16% of our GDP to it and get terrible coverage while competing economies pay 9% and have universal care.

This quote from the New York Times was disheartening, "Richard Freeman, an economist at Harvard, said he saw the hostility toward unions as a sign of decay in society. Some working-class people see so few possibilities for their lives that it is eroding the aspirational nature that has long been typical of Americans.

“It shows a hopelessness,” he said. “It used to be, ‘You have something I don’t have; I’ll go to my employer to get it, too. Now I don’t see any chance of getting it. I don’t want to be the lowest one on the totem pole, so I don’t want you to have it either.’ ”

People have no idea of how poorly they're doing. But there's a reaction that anyone who believes things should be more equitable is a "communist." Communism doesn't work. Oligarchies don't work either. That's where we are.

/Gets down off of soapbox

1.) Mark Ronson w/ Lily Allen - Oh My God

- Christ on a bike, I've got a thing for Lily Allen. British accent is the most charming accent. In order:
British accent > Australian accent > South African accent > Boston accent > Cries from a Death Camp > Baltimore accent.

Here's a video where Lily isn't a cartoon and melts my black heart just by the way she pronounces vowels.

Top 5 Oscar Tweets

2011-02-28T20:50:00.001-08:00

Top 5 Oscar Tweets:

Honorary mention- Black Swan is just lesbian Footloose.

5.) Norm MacDonald - @Normmacdonald
- These guys just thanked their wives. I believe in an actual Wolfman before I believe these guys have wives.

4.) Rob Delaney - @RobDelaney
- (During the 'Who We Lost This Year' montage)
If I knew Celine Dion would sing about me when I died, I would live forever.

3.) Mike Drucker - @MikeDrucker
- I could only get through Gwyneth Paltrow's song by imagining the last scene in Seven.

2.) Patton Oswalt - @pattonoswalt
- Hope the play-off music is Experience Unlimited's "Da Butt."

1.) Neal Brennan - @NealBrennan
- If you think Scientology helps you succeed at show business, just wait until you hear about Judaism.

Charlie...Charlie...Charlie.

2011-02-25T10:48:00.000-08:00

God bless you, Charlie. God bless your mess, Mr. Sheen. That show is unwatchable without you. It's not really watchable with you. But, Senor Estevez, you're the only reason it did well.

God bless you for being honest regarding your showrunner, "Turned his tin cans into gold." The jokes they wrote you are truly awful. You made it watchable. Then you turned in your pitch perfect rant.

It was majestic; it should be your national anthem. Mel Gibson watched and said, "Beautiful. But why's it got to be done in public?...typical fucking Mexican."

"I've got Magic and Poetry at my fingertips..." Well, Charlie, that may be true. But those girls have families and your rant was a poor way for them to find out their daughters went in to the adult business.

At least you're honest about who you are, unlike a lot of Hollywood. It's a business filled with savagely flawed humans: inert emotional cyborgs who can still write down to the bones, men with crippling chemical dependencies who are in a vicious cycle of addiction and the interesting things those addictions make them do, and the women, your "godesses." LA teems with women, the former prom queens and leads in their high school musical. Women who'd give you a weapons-grade boner. But they're mostly not the type of women you fall in love with- you can't play Alexis Texas in Speed Scrabble or chase Faye Regan's nieces through the waves at their beach house. Your "godesses" don't make you feel. But that's not what you're looking for. I respect you for at least being honest; you're not looking for another wife. Three marriages and just as many divorces. Sounds like you've felt enough for a while, Bud.

However, what was with leaving the one porn star in your house because you "just want to go watch 'Jaws' on my yacht." Wild Thing, that's unprofessional. If someone invited me to their home to perform then went on their porch and watched Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach, my feelings would be hurt. First rule of relationships: Do no harm.

Shine on, you crazy diamond.

2011-02-24T06:59:00.000-08:00

Helium Comedy Club all weekend and again next Tuesday...because I'm an artist.

Helium shows this weekend are with Dov Davidoff from Invincible...

And Kurt Metzger from Ugly Americans.

Get to Helium again on March 1st for Bird Text. When we have:

Sean Patton

and Nikki Glaser

I'm auditioning for a stand-up spot for Conan on March 16.

Top 5 Songs For Your Week

2011-02-19T13:35:00.000-08:00

5.) The Civil Wars - Poison & Wine

- Holy shit is this song beautiful and perfectly depressing. Those are the two band members in the video singing, "I don't love you, but I always will." Song is so sad it's the soundtrack of recently divorced fathers eating Thanksgiving dinner alone at a Sunoco Station and convincing themselves it was a good decision.

4.) The Who - Eminence Front

- I was on UCB's Whiplash! last Monday, Valentine's Day. Followed Todd Barry before Dan St. Germain, Michael Showalter and Andy Kindler closed. Showalter was on Fallon Thursday and Kindler was on Letterman on Friday. I'd have given my right arm to be on Whiplash! two years ago. It's a thrill to work for free.

/Comedy is not a successful business model.

3.) The Hood Internet - This Shit Was All I Know

- Drake mashed up with Free Energy, who are a rock group from Philadelphia.

My youngest brother works as a bouncer at the Irish Pub in Philadelphia. He's working his way up to bartender and also coaching Lower Merion's crew team and substitute teaching. Couldn't be more proud of what he accomplished over the last three years. Though I'm almost certain he's the only bouncer with an extensive Beanie Babies collection.

BOOM! ROASTED!

2.) Lynyrd Skynrd - Simple Man

- I'm an Auburn fan. Because I went to Brown and our football team played in a high school stadium for a dozen parents and a few students who were trying to network for jobs after graduation. The Civil Wars could film their next video at a Brown tailgate.

Me: "Are you guys going to the football game?"
~ Other Brown Student: "I'm going to write a play about my parents' divorce..." (Stubs out clove cigarette and never writes that play.)

The most requested item on Brown's Sunday Brunch menu: Mellon-choly.

/Still love the place

In 2001, I worked with Nathan Wethington at the Island School. Nate graduated from Auburn and he made me a fan, watching the games on bootleg Bahamian satellite. Then in 2007 I dated an Auburn alum and she made it more fun to be a fan. We went to a game once, it's discussed in this post.

So this hideous redneck murdered the trees at Toomer's Corner because he didn't like Auburn. What an asshole.

1.) The Band (Bob Dylan Cover) - When I Paint My Masterpiece

- In the NBA Dunk Contest: Blake Griffin dunked over a car. JerVale McGee dunked on two rims at the same time. I could watch people dunk all day. It's my favorite of the mundane superpowers along with: speaking French, monogamy, fake dignity and making things from scratch.

It was also wonderful to have Dr. Dunkenstein, Boyfriend of Juicy Lucy, the Alien from Planet Lovetron- Darry Dawkins back in my life. Darryl is pictured below in his suit. PETA was all up in his shit because it was made from skins of the endangered Mens Warehouse Leopard but the World's Eight Wonder, Chocolate Thunder could GIVE A FUCK.

Suck it, Hippies.

Born That Way

2011-02-17T12:11:00.000-08:00

Learned, sinful behavior, huh?

I call bullshit.

I also wish this kid all the best. Keep your head up, Buddy.

Top 5 Songs For Your Weekend

2011-02-15T09:19:00.000-08:00

5.) Okkervil River - Lay of the Last Survivor

- I've never watched a single episode of 'Survivor' and I plan on keeping it that way. What is the attraction? What is so difficult about being on that show? You're surrounded by a camera crew. No one is going to let you die. There's nothing dangerous or survivalist about it. Stop whining.
Plus, it's ridiculous when they produce these shows in places where people already live. OH MY CHRIST! WE ARE EXPECTED TO LIVE LIKE THESE SAVAGES?!?!? HOW WILL WE SURVIVE?

I'd totally watch the show if producers stranded them permanently to see who could adapt. The species would get stronger.

True Story: Every famewhore's dying words are the same, "I'm not here to make friends...."

...then their soul escapes their lips and God cries at how they chose to miss everything that makes life valuable in order to die angry.

4.) Jay-Z - Can't Knock the Hustle

- I'm in the process of getting my taxes done. BIG TIME!

The taxation process would be more fun if you got to pay federal agencies live. As in, put the money withheld from each check in to a big pile. Then walk around on April 14 and hand it to the respective authorities based on their sales' pitches.

"So, Defense Department, you want a new Joint Strike Fighter, huh? You better fuckin' take me coast to coast on this sales call, Fella!"

"Hey Department of Education, you put that fuckin' coffee down. Coffee is for closers. Last I checked we are still getting shitbeat on standardized math tests by countries that used to make us yo-yos..."

Then I would hand them my share of taxes, which works out to less than a dollar...

/Never said it was a perfect plan

3.) Pavement - Give It A Day

- I had a show at Beauty Bar this past weekend. It's an East Village bar that opened in a combined space of a former beauty shop and a barber. Kept a lot of the same furniture. There was a lady doing nails while the show was getting prepped and a bartender selling $4 happy hour Blue Moons. Pavement shot their video for 'Cut Your Hair' in this space. I'm going to be leaving New York for LA in the next few weeks. Seeing spaces like Beauty Bar right before I go makes me wonder about all the stuff I missed while I lived here.

/Cries a single tear for 'Angel's Share'

2.) The Dears - Thrones

- I don't think this band is ever going to make it. They'll end up like 'Dismemberment Plan' or one of the dozen other groups that sound like a band you may have heard of once. These bands inspired passionate fan bases but never really achieved anything that could be diagnosed as "success." The type of outfit you overhear someone bloviating about at Beauty Bar.

/Look over and see that guy is me.

The Dears new album came out recently. It's great. This is my favorite song. The Dears' new album accompanied me for the entire drive back from Albany until I parked my giant F150 on the Upper West Side. If you have trouble achieving orgasm, you should watch me parallel park my truck on a New York City street while singing along to obscure French Canadian bands.

1.) Ting Tings vs. The Knack vs. Tony Basil - That's Not My Mash Up

- Recently, I met a long time hero, Chuck Klosterman. I've read all of his books. Gawker seems to loathe him but then again, Gawker loathes everybody. I asked him if he ended up with any of the four women he traveled across the country to see in 'Killing Yourself to Live.' He told me he did not, but his wife was the woman in Minneapolis he met on a rooftop, "because the way she saw me is also how I see the best version of myself."
I couldn't agree more with that statement as a view of how relationships succeed.

Oh Montreal

2011-02-13T19:39:00.000-08:00

Dear Montreal-

I loved you from the moment we met, I just didn't want to tell you. That's kind of my m.o.

Go ahead. Jab me in the subway with your hardback novel, then make a tutting noise at me for being in your way.

Go ahead. Tap your car’s bumper against my heels a few times as I run through the sleet on the green light. That won’t stop my love. Go ahead. Hit me if you want to – I could actually use the money! Oh wait, if you hit me all I get is a predetermined sum from the provincial government based on their assessment of my physical and mental suffering. That is, as best I understand it from the rather confusing brochure that was left in the B&B and written solely in French. Unlike some other things you left me, that are in both English AND in French. You are my fickle mistress.

I think you explained it one night when we were drinking last time I saw you, so it's kind of hazy. But I remember you said something about only stuff that has to do with health and safety is translated into English? Anyway, did I mention I love you? Is it "tre wimpy" to say it to you at this hour?

Go ahead. Answer the simple queries I pose to you in my mongrel French in disdainful English. I think you did understand though, that I did it all for you, because I love you, and this is why you are so difficult. You make me earn your touch. A French lady's affection is not a devalued currency. I thank you for that. I will do whatever it takes. One day, it will come naturally to me to enter your shop and instead of mumbling, “Bonjour, j’aimerais une baguette, s’il vous plait,” I will say, “Seigneur! L’hiver s’en vient! Heille, tu as-tu un pain complet biologique aux atocas?”
Or somesuch. And you will answer me accordingly, however that is, and I will quiver with ecstasy.

I swear I am trying because Montreal, baby, I love your French. Please never stop talking that way. Keep being insanely creative with the boring old traditional notions of grammar, usage and form and keep twisting your mouth assymetrically over your vowels – that really makes me hot. Lord, is anything more tiresome than Paris? With its prune-lipped, pantyhose and perfume French and its chilly delight in psychological manipulation? Including but not limited to its never-ending campaign to convince you how serious, intelligent and too busy it is for you? While some of us, like you and me, Montreal, are too busy doing real things to spend hours lounging around playing mind games. How do you say "The Prestige" in French?

Oh, yes, that makes sense.

I even love your rules about French signage and all, and all your other rules for that matter, because how am I to do what is expected of me if I don’t know what that is? Thank you for being so clear, Montreal, and for being such a mensch whenever faced with either of the two assholes to which you are wrongly compared – Toronto or Paris. You are gracious beyond comprehension and this inspires me.

It actually was one of the ways I knew that how I felt about you was much, much more than physical.

What got me is the sincere way that underneath it all, you believe in yourself. You don’t just give yourself away to the first person who asks. This is evidenced in so many ways. One way is your food.

I hope I won’t hurt you when I say this, Montreal, but we both believe in being straightforward, so I’m going to take a chance … a lot of your food is really bad. Baby, how can you make jokes about fat Americans then serve shit like poutine?

More than half of your cuisine is terrible actually. Like bad enough to be sent back to the kitchen in other cities. But you have convinced the rest of the continent that you have the best food on it. And it would be true if all your food was as good as your food that is good, which is probably what you believe is true, or could or will be true? We all have our dreams and delusions and the fact is, your good food is absolutely exquisite. It has to be patiently waited for and then magically discovered by those who really want it… kind of like true love! But if you don’t care enough to try to find it there are many traps along the way. Like the hybrid food troughs with Chinese, Japanese, Italian, Greek, Turkish and Canadian food which always offer some scary-sounding thing called "pizzaghetti." Or the overpriced places that charge a lot of money for odd and maybe not so delicious things, like truffle ravioli in a fenugreek-wasabi infusion or foie gras on French fries. Your PR campaign has worked brilliantly despite being home to a host of professional restaurant reviewers who are very specific when they don't like a place. Hey, two years ago, you had a big-name American food magazine devote an entire issue to you and I read the whole thing, of course. They knew about your bagels, but did they know about your Ethiopian or Spanish restaurants? Did they know where your best Chinese food is? No, because they were too mind boggled by the fact that the lesser product known in their country as pastrami is called smoked meat here and several pages were devoted to them wrapping their minds around that. That’s not real love, Montreal. Not like mine. I wouldn’t question your judgment that way. I never even asked what smoked meat was. I just wanted to taste it and since then, all I want is more.

Let’s feed the world a plate of foie gras pizzaghetti avec sa sauce de figues biologiques du Québec, Montreal, and let’s you and I go out to a bring-your-own. My treat. I know one with a fireplace and I’ve got a bottle of gas station vintage for each of us. Because I love you. And I want to know where you’re keeping the real pizza.

Baby, what the fuck is pizzaghetti? You can tell me. I'm attracted to you. Feel safe.

You hold me to your bosom like a doting grandmother and yet you speak to me like the surliest Duane Reade cashier.

You and your stone-washed jeans had me at 'bonjour.'

Heart,
Luc

Real Talk

2011-02-12T13:59:00.001-08:00

Oh yeah, that's real talk right there...

Hipster Ariel

2011-02-10T17:32:00.001-08:00

From The Onion's AV Club, it's hipster Ariel:

http://www.avclub.com/articles/hipster-ariel-wants-to-be-part-of-your-world,51657/

Here's the Tumblr feed:

http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/hipster-ariel?before=1297382863

Top 5 Songs For Your Week

2011-02-10T13:37:00.000-08:00

5.) Mike Doughty - Tremendous Brunettes

- I spent this past weekend in Philadelphia filming a sketch. I think my hometown has more brunettes per capita than any other Northeast city.

Also, more goatees. Philadelphia would be the natural home for a Museum of the Goatee. The goatee is the most American way to decorate your face, like Jazz music around your lips.

Ran into a girl from high school while watching the second half of the Super Bowl. She clearly had her breasts augmented. Always makes me feel weird because they don't try to come up with an excuse like people who get nosejobs.
"Oh my God, I had a deviated rib cage so my doctor had to strap these to my torso..."

4.) Paul Westerberg - Eyes Like Sparks

- Valentine's Day is a hammer and the self-esteem of your relationship is the nail. It's a holiday fraught with excitement and danger.

WILL I DO ENOUGH TO QUALIFY OUR LOVE OR WILL WE EAT THIS MEAL IN ICY SILENCE?

I've pulled off a good Valentine's Day twice.

Chelsea Peretti is a funny comic. She once told this joke about Valentine's Day: " Valentie's Day in a couple is just like Valentine's Day if you're single...except you eat a wonderful meal together and then go home and make love."

3.) Runawayfully - The Hood Internet

- Look at that picture, stare at it, let it trace the folds of your cerebellum so you may recreate it from memory on your deathbed. Kanye is photoshopped with Journey from the 'Frontiers' tour in 1983. Those were the sex symbols of 1983. Only one generation ago.

Now people only dress and style themselves like that as a put-on. Hipsters are playing an elaborate prank on themselves.

My Mom tried to tell me she was a hippy because she bought a headband in 1969. True story, there were only two options for joining the hippies: smoking pot or watching a Hell's Angel stab a man to death at a Stones' concert. Pete Townshend told me.

I am going to love being at somebody's house in 20 years when their kid asks, "Wait, Dad, why did you have a mustache like 19th Century strongman?"
..."Because I often did coke before noon, Son...."

2.) Tyrone Wells - Use Somebody

- 'The Sports Show with Norm MacDonald' was picked up for two month run on Comedy Central starting this April. I wrote on the pilot. I'm currently waiting to hear whether I will be staffed on the series. 'Red Delicious' development starts later this Spring. It's been a crazy year with a lot of the people whom I know from comedy getting picked up and granted careers at once: Dan St. Germain, Brooke Van Poppelen, Andy Haynes.

Tommy Papa, John McKeever and I start a new monthly show at Helium on March 1. Show is called 'Bird Text' and there will be sketches and stand-up and acapella groups to endure. I know I'll be present for the first show and it will be my last show in Philadelphia and the east coast for a while.

1.) The Smiths - This Charming Man

- We have a dog in our apartment. Our dog is an abject coward. It's demoralizing. He is the Omega Wolf. I often have to hold Artie at the dog park because he keeps getting his ass kicked.

He often locks himself in his room and whines a deep, pitiless cry that rocks you to your core. Artie's whining is the same tone and notes I would hit if I found out that Red Delicious was dead, my girlfriend dumped me, and everyone else I ever loved perished in a bowling alley collapse. It would hurt extra because I'd assume they'd only gotten together to throw me a surprise party.

Artie cries like this for hours, HOURS, per day. He's the saddest dog I've ever met. No amount of belly rubs can fix it. He's inconsolable, the Morrissey of terriers.

New Between Two Ferns

2011-02-09T07:56:00.000-08:00

Between Two Ferns is the best web series going. It's on Funny or Die.com

Jennifer Aniston is there to promote Just Go With It. Tila Tequila is there to promote her new sex tape.

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: Tila Tequila from Between Two Ferns

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: Sean Penn from Between Two Ferns

Super Bowl Halftime and the Fall of Man

2011-02-08T04:36:00.000-08:00

http://deadspin.com/#!5754095/guns-n-peas-is-where-the-trajectory-of-man-began-its-steady-decline

'Guns'n'Peas' is Where the Trajectory of Man Began Its Steady Decline-

Drew Magary writes for Deadspin. He has a takedown of the Super Bowl halftime show at the link above. And really, Slash, you should be ashamed. That was an Axl move.

Top 5 Animals I Want To Hunt

2011-02-03T07:19:00.000-08:00

I've never hurt an animal intentionally. Saint Francis of Assisi said, "If you approach an animal with kindness in your heart, they can sense it and will respond accordingly." That quote may be proof that Francis was the Timothy Treadwell of the 12th Century, but I've taken it to heart.

HOWEVAH...some animals are just assholes. Those are the animals I'd like to hunt.

I'm going hunting next weekend. I've shot a gun a handful of times and I'm approaching next weekend as though it were training for the coming Zombie Apocalypse. I'm not looking forward to Earth becoming a vast wasteland of necromancers, but I will be prepared when it's time to pump a few rounds into the marauding hordes of my former friends and neighbors. Including Tommy Papa, who even as a zombie will only eat the most choice protein.

/Zombie Papa approaches a house: "Nahhh, you guys go ahead. I'm going to hold out for a more athletic rump."

We are hunting ducks next weekend. I'm thrilled for a 'Duck Hunt' that will not be interrupted by my older brothers telling me to turn it off so they can play 'Mike Tyson's Punch-Out'.

5.) Geese

- Sworn enemy. Fuck these walking shit factories. I've spent a decade and a half walking on the goose feces that covers every rowing dock in America. I dated a girl who had no fewer than a dozen pillows on her bed. Made me so happy that every pillow was stuffed with goose carcass.

They're gross and should be put down. "Loose as a Goose" makes sense because geese are definitely the members of Familia Anatidae most likely to get double-teamed at a high school party.

I took KingBaby to a race recently and a bunch of geese tried to attack him. I hope he remembers that slight and returns in a decade, the Frank Castle scourge of the goose community.

4.) Hippopotamus

- Not to be confused with HipHop-opotamus.

Hippos are not subdued, marble munchers as they've been billed since childhood. I'm not buying that bill of goods from those liars at the Hippo Lobby.

I rowed on the Zambezi River a few years ago. We had to constantly look out for hippos because, according to race officials, "The hippo is angry and territorial. It does not want you on its water. It will attack from below the surface, flip your boat so you then may be eaten by the crocs... Ok, enjoy your row."

WHAT? Hippos and crocs teaming up together? Like the 'Legion of Doom' of the Serengeti? Does Bobby Heenan manage them?

3.) Sharks

- Haven't evolved in millions of years because they didn't have to. Which means they essentially WON fistfights against dinosaurs.

When I was a teacher , we would have to ask local fisherman to not chum in the marina because it would become infested with bull sharks. Bull sharks combine temper of Joan Crawford with the aggressiveness of Mike Tyson. Not to be trifled with.

2.) Deer

- I had Lyme Disease when I was 16. Fuck deer. I hope they keep kissing the front end of speeding SUVs. Louis CK takes down these "rats with hooves."

1.) Cats

- Cats are a lot like nuns: deeply unhappy with their station in life and serenely evil. I've only ever met two of each that were likable.

I knew a family that lived with a cat named Cutie in their basement. You had to open her door and shove in food as quickly as possible or Cutie would attack your face.

WTF? Who would live with an animal like that? Most cats are as kind and friendly as the aforementioned Joan Crawford. Cat exposure as a child can also cause schizophrenia. So, seriously, fuck cats. Cats are evil: they're snakes with fur.

Men who own cats are either aspiring archvillains or can speak eloquently about the "majesty of jazz tap."

Michael Eisner's Working Together : Why Great Partnerships Succeed

2011-02-02T08:20:00.001-08:00

Michael Eisner, the former CEO of Disney, wrote a great book called Working Together : Why Great Partnerships Succeed. Eisner offers insight into why certain teams of people have been so wildly successful: Charles Munger and Warren Buffet, Bill and Melinda Gates, etc. The book is a great read aside from one issue.

Eisner doesn't spend much time on the value of partnerships in creative fields, which is where the book is a bit lacking. Every writer needs an editor, every painter needs an outlet or a patron, every comic needs somebody who hears their jokes and makes them better, someone who can help them move and pop words like a prizefighter. Vincent Van Gogh had his brother, Theo, an art dealer in Paris.

I'd love to have seen him write about Truman Capote and Harper Lee or John Lennon and Paul McCartney or Andy Kaufman and Bob Zmuda.

Top 5 Songs for Your Week

2011-01-31T07:51:00.000-08:00

5. Dire Straits - Romeo and Juliet

- For some reason, Mark Knopfler was trending on Twitter this weekend. My reaction was : "OH NO! The lead singer from Dire Straits is dead!" He wasn't. He's alive. There was just a sudden wave of appreciation for his work.

No cause for alarm...unless you're Mark Knopfler. Then you should be alarmed. Mark, if people are talking about you, it's assumed you died. That's not good. Dire Straits was fantastic. Get back out there.

I have a friend who was recently added to his girlfriend's insurance plan after 18 months of unemployment. Only person on COBRA health insurance longer than him was Storm Shadow. True love is letting someone else get down with your $15 co-pay.

4.) Busta Rhymes - Turn It Up

- This has been the snowiest winter I remember. Like most Americans, I have experienced delays. I refuse to bitch about it because talking about travel delays is like talking about dreams: intensely personal and boring to exhaustion.

"YOU MUST HEAR MY HARROWING TALE OF MILD INCONVENIENCE!"

So this story is the opposite of a delay.

While I was waiting for a flight back from Austin a couple of weeks ago, every other flight into JFK was being canceled because of inclement weather. Our flight remained with an ominous "25 Minute" delay next to it. Airlines are as forthcoming as a Warsaw Pact country so I kept checking JFK's Twitter feed. Every other flight got the bag except for ours. As we boarded, passengers scanned each other darkly: "Who is steering this doomed starship? Are we all meant to die together? Let me introduce myself so we may be respected opponents when inevitably locked in moral combat on a mystical island which turns out to be Purgatory..."

Our captain on the JetBlue flight was Mark T. Ranger, who said, "I'm not really one to wait for delays. We've taken every precaution..."

Fuck yeah, Mark T.! Taken every precaution by telling gravity to knock it off for a few hours. The 'T.' stands for Turbulence. He bought it at a swap meet in Bogota back when he was running coke for fun. Mark T. only enters the cockpit by kicking in the GODDAMN door.

I'd vote for this man. Mostly because I'd rather eat a crushed glass sandwich then spend an extra minute in an airport. I'll take my chances with a riverboat gambler like Mark T. Ranger. This is the Busta Rhymes song which Mark plays in to his pilot headset when the air traffic controllers scream about how the runway isn't prepared for take-off.

3.) Kanye West w/ Nicki Minaj, Rick Ross and Jay-Z - Monster

- I re-read Charlatan by Brock Pope this past weekend. It's about John Brinckley, a surgeon whose practice of implanting goat testicles into men was so egregious that it resulted in the creation of national accreditation standards for physicians. Remember things like medical license standards when dealing with folk who claim government has never made a positive contribution to everyday lives.

2.) Neil Diamond - Forever In Blue Jeans

- My roommate, Matt Karl, is one of the funniest men I know who doesn't do comedy. He claims, "Denim is a space age fabric that doesn't need to be washed. Ever. I can piss in denim without consequence...and I often do."

Here is a recent ultimatum Matt issued regarding our apartment's refrigerator situation:

I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my cold cut meats go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

1.) Madvillain - Fancy Clown

- Thanks to everyone who came out to the Triad Theater on Saturday. That place is beautiful. So classy. Like somewhere JFK would take his ladies for a night of entertainment. "Errraaah, I really enjoyahhhhd thaaat Pinochio joke by thaaat faaancy woooord clown."

Latest book about LBJ and Robert F. Kennedy's rivalry claims that JFK's wife and Robert's wife knew about their dalliances with other ladies, including Marilyn Monroe. I can't imagine that would fly now.

True story: Whenever Jackie Onassis broke wind, it sounded exactly like the French word for 'dignity.' They teach that move during senior week at Miss Porter's. IT'S THE FINEST FINISHING SCHOOL IN THE WORLD!

/American Camelot'd

Top 5 Obama Depictions

2011-01-30T07:35:00.000-08:00

Been a tough couple of years so far in the Obama Presidency. What Obama has actually accomplished is neatly summarized at this site:

http://whatthefuckhasobamadonesofar.com/

Much of his time has been spent putting out fires or dealing with obstructionist Republicans, like this guy, Jack Kingston from Georgia who doesn't believe in evolution.

Top 5 Obama Depictions Aside From the Iconic "Hope" :

5. Obama as Bruce Campbell

4. Obama as Atreyu

3. Obama Giving a Fistpound

2. Obama in Superman Pose

1. Obama as R. Kelly
- There was a point in 2008 when people were so deliriously hopeful about Obama that you could have said anything about him and people would have believed you. "Ohhh, yeah but have you heard Obama's mash-up album? It's A-MA-ZING!"

/Totally would have believed that

Vegetarians...

2011-01-29T15:14:00.000-08:00

According to PETA, the Philadelphia Eagles' now have the most vegetarian-friendly stadium in the NFL.

It’s a concession to the community as Eagles Quarterback, Michael Vick, spent years running a brutal vegetarian fighting ring.

Below is some footage from the fighting ring. Here the notorious "Ookie Cookie Clique" takes on their rival, the infamous long form improv group, "Queefer Sutherland."

Warning: This clip is not for those of you with gentle sensibilities...

Top 5 : Robyn's Album

2011-01-28T08:30:00.000-08:00

I've erg'd to Robyn's Body Talk more than any other album so far this year. I'd be embarrassed but it's too good. If I could make it happen, this album would pump through the speakers at the Main Line Slide during the second half of all 2Ks.

"This song is my faves...here comes a 1:31! TOTES McGOTES!"

/dies of shame after failing to win.

5. Dancing On My Own

4. Indestructible

3. U Should Know Better featuring Snoop Dogg
- Snoop Dogg maintains his streak of ridiculous cameos. Snoop's also on the commercial for Burger King's Jalapeno Pepper Cheeseburger...which looks like something I'd eat when I think my intestines are getting a little too cocky.

2. Call Your Girlfriend
- Single that started the joke. Winner of the previous piece would play it. As in, "Call your girlfriend and let her know you just got worked..." But the song cannot be stopped.

1. Fembots
- When humanity is overrun by a race of Charles Nelson Riley cyborgs, this song will play from their chest amps as they burn our cities to dust.

And here's a nice sorbet to cleanse the pallet, Rollins' "Disconnect."

Awkward Prom

2011-01-27T20:59:00.000-08:00

When I was in high school, my girlfriend and I had a highway but her parents made her give it up for adoption.

This website is fantastic...

Michelle Bachman's Speech < Misleading...

2011-01-26T09:07:00.000-08:00

This is so disingenuous. Michelle Bachman gave the "official Tea Party rebuttal" to Obama's State of the Union Address last night. Many of the numbers in her boldly colored charts are misleading. Some of her claims are so easily disproven that it makes me think she has a contempt for the intelligence of her target audience.

1. "ObamaCare will add the healthcare of 32M uninsured people to government health care rolls."
- Why is this misleading?
Because those 32M, mostly poor and elderly people, ALREADY receive government healthcare. Those that aren't receiving MedicAid or MedicAre crowd emergency rooms with relatively minor health issues because the poor do not have a primary care physician because they do not have health insurance. Hospitals bill the government exorbitant sums to treat these people. The government always reimburses the hospitals. The government is by far the biggest payer of health care costs, already.

If they were finally insured, it would drive DOWN costs because they'd have access and likely mandates to utilize lower cost preventative care. As opposed to a $50000 bill which all taxpayers split every time an indigent man has heart palpitations, he'd have a primary care doctor who could tell him, "You have an arrythmia.... Take these and get some exercise." It makes sense to insure the indigent to control costs.

Euro zone countries spend an average of 9% of their Gross Domestic Product on health care and nearly all of them provide universal care, and BETTER primary care than Americans receive. We pay 16% of GDP for worse care. The idea that "America has the best health care in world" is again misleading. We have some of the world's leading hospitals. But on a day to day basis, the lives of unhealthy Americans are far worse than those in similar situations in other industrialized economies. The discrepancy between the 9% and 16% is largely based on the costs passed on by managed care providers. HMOs do not need to exist. A single payer system would be the best option to bring costs in to line.

Patients who want the very best care are always able to pay cash for it but a base line of decent primary care, the level at which the vast majority of Americans interact with our current health system, should exist. It's not that hard.

2. "The unemployment rate skyrocketed to over 10% under President Obama..."
- Why is this misleading?
According to The Economist, the unemployment rate in America was 9.3% on January 19, 2009. President Obama was inaugurated on January 20, 2009. Soooo, it was already going to shit because of 8 years of Bush's "Let's conduct two foreign wars while cutting the rate on millionaires" policy.
Bush did not create a single net new job during his first term. Obama talked about how right now is "This generation's Sputnik moment..." He's wrong. This generation's Sputnik moment was 10 years ago when the Trade Centers were attacked. THAT was when we should have been moving toward green energy technology rather than double down our bets on Middle Eastern oil dictatorships. 14 of the 19 of the terrorists from 9/11 were Saudi. Yet Saudi Arabia presents itself as our ally in the Middle East and expects us to do its bidding in the region, evidenced by the recent wikileaks reveal that Saudi diplomats were pushing for an American led offensive on Iran, another brutally repressive regime who also happens to be Saudi Arabia's rival for oil and political supremacy in the region.
The economic drivers for the last 10 years have been health care, housing and finance. I have friends and family who work in all three fields. They knowingly admit that many of the people profiting in health care and especially finance were outright frauds. My friend and former teammate, Porter Collins, was profiled in Michael Lewis' The Big Short because his company saw an opportunity to take advantage of the frauds. My ex-girlfriend's brother is a brilliant trader who regularly bets against frauds in the health care, education and financial industries. That's the financial growth model for the next decade, betting against other American frauds via short trading.
Bush inherited a budget SURPLUS on January 20, 2001. Our economy has been a comedy of errors ever since. Obama is trying to right the ship.

3. "America will soon have the highest corporate tax rate in the world..."
- Why is this misleading?
Because it isn't based on facts. At all. None.
The sentence is even structured in a fantasy way, like saying , "My children will be 9 feet tall and on their 10th birthdays they shall slay a Kodiak bear using only their wits and a crude bludgeon..."
It's just complete non-sense. American corporate taxes aren't even trending that way. Denmark is regularly cited as the "happiest" country in the world. (Because it's a nation of supportive people with sweet, sweet angel faces to whom we've never exported our unique brand of American entertainment known as "Whore Punching"? Nope! Mostly because it has a logical series of safety nets which allows Danes freedom from living in fear.) Denmark's tax rate is an astronomical 49% on individuals. America's is in the mid 30% range...except Danes get great education and health care for the same price as a deep breath. I don't want to be taxed at 49%. We are not even close to that now.
Corporations in Denmark are taxed at just under 44%. American corporations are taxed at less than 28% at the federal level...and American corporations don't have to pay taxes on health care they (mostly) provide to workers. State taxes vary but most are willing to accommodate corporations with tax incentives to keep jobs in state.

American corporate tax rates don't rank among the top 10 in the world. Check here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_tax_revenue_as_percentage_of_GDP

In summation, these figures are so misleading she must have intellectual contempt for her target audience. That's what liars are do, avoid the truth because they don't trust the decision you may make if all the facts were actually presented without bullshit varnish.

Fruity Pebbles

2011-01-26T08:02:00.001-08:00

Took this picture of the new Fruity Pebbles box at the Gristede's in my neighborhood.

Note: The 'D' is for 'Diabetes.'

When I was 10, I once ate an entire box of 'Fruity Pebbles' between lunch and dinner. I cracked it open and polished it off in one sitting, like I was trying to keep up with the Lady Brett Ashley of sugary breakfast cereals.

My Dad watched me toss the empty box in the trash only 90 minutes after he'd purchased it. Then I ate two helpings at dinner. After dinner, the ice cream truck came rolling through our neighborhood and I asked for money to go buy another twin cone. My Dad asked gently, "Did you, ummm, did you eat all of those 'Fruity Pebbles' this afternoon?" "Yes." "Then how about we count that as your dessert tonight, Luke?"

If my kid ate an entire box of these things, I'd hover over him as though he could explode at any moment, like a dog who has eaten a turkey bone. I can only hope to be as patient with my kids as my parents were with me when I was a pale eating machine of infinite destruction.

Patton Oswalt on Creativity

2011-01-24T14:00:00.000-08:00

Patton Oswalt is one of my favorite comics. His new book, Zombie Spaceship Wasteland is excellent. And in this recent Salon.com article he neatly summarizes the difficult parts of comedy and wanting to be creative:

Don't you think that's true with a lot of creative people? That they have to resist the temptation of drawing inward and into their own private creative world?

Yeah. Or maybe what they have to learn to live with is the push and pull of wanting to be out there and be kind of extroverted, but then also needing, in order to help the work, to be introverted for a while and go live a regular life and be quiet and just observe. There has to be that balance back and forth.

Here is Patton's famous bit about KFC's Bowls:

Top 5 On My iPod This Week

2011-01-24T10:51:00.000-08:00

Went to a birthday party this past weekend in Philadelphia. Loved every minute of my time at Monk's in Center City. That's definitely the best Anne Frank-themed brewpub in Philadelphia.

5.) The Decemberists - January Hymn
- New Decemberists' album is great, sounds more like Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers than anything they've done previously.

This clip is Colin Meloy singing the reciprocal of the previous song, June Hymn. I was born in June. When I was a kid, I'd lecture other children about how being born in June was best because it meant your birthday was equidistant from Christmas, the year's other annual present bonanza. I know, I can't believe I didn't have more close friends growing up...

4.) R. Kelly - Same Girl
- Like most of R. Kelly's work, this song is completely ridiculous. R. Kelly and Usher believe they are seeing the same woman. They decide to confront her while also playing basketball behind a mansion. But, as they approach their cuckolder, it is revealed that the confusion is because these two megastars have been seeing twin sisters. And the twin sisters had no idea that the other was ALSO seeing a massive celebrity. Right....

Are you shitting me, Pied Piper of R&B?!?!?
These two sisters are seeing the biggest stars in rap music and they've NEVER mentioned it to each other? They would brag about that IMMEDIATLIES. They'd open conversations with total strangers with that information.

"Hi. Welcome to Red Lobster. It's our annual Lobster-fest! Our specials tonight are..."
- "I AM USHER'S MAIN CHICK!"

That's how that would go down. The plot of this song is so full of holes, it's Face/Off for BET.

3.) Jamey Johnson - That's How I Don't Love You
- This guy's songs make me want to drink a bucket of whiskey and call my ex-girlfriend. Which is why I have a strict rule of "No Jamey Johnson After Midnight." He's the Mogwai of heartbreak.

2.) Lupe Fiasco - Superstar
- Lupe Fiasco sounds like the name of a Telemundo sitcom about a hapless hotel maid.
DAS (kinda) RAYCESSSSSS! (copywright Drew Magary)

1.) The Hold Steady - 212 Margarita
- The pattern is: Early 20s- move to New York, early 30s- move to Brooklyn and get into The Hold Steady. Lead singer , Craig Finn, looks exactly like a rabbi in my building. He also gesticulates a little fruity. The guitarist from this band is a dead ringer for Stephen Merchant from The Office.

Cats

2011-01-22T15:57:00.001-08:00

People who are fanatical about their religion are like people who are fanatical about their cat: desperate to avoid the idea that they'll die alone.

LeBron's Letter To His Movers

2011-01-21T10:21:00.000-08:00

I wrote this in May 2010 anticipating LeBron's move from Cleveland. I thought he was going to sign with Jay-Z and the Nets. That team will be a power once they move to Brooklyn.

Hello Double Eagle Movers-

Thank you so much for helping me to move today. Maverick recommended you and he tells me you're Albanian. Well, I've never been, but I'm sure that part of Mexico is beautiful.

Here are some instructions that should help the move run smoothly:

- - Carefully remove your shoes and leave them near the door. Also, douse yourself in talcum powder before proceeding through my house. It’s a rule.

- - The giant velvet painting of me as Black Ivan Drago in the vestibule must be packed in bubble wrap.

- - Jay-Z has been keeping his Golem at my place since last summer. Its name is ‘Shaq.’

- - Please leave the box labeled NBA championship trophies just as you found it, empty.

- - When packing my mother, Gloria’s room, please be careful with her personal massager. It should be addressed as “Delonte.”

- - The game farm on the grounds will be coming with us. Please keep the herbivores, the carnivores and the Ilgauskas separated.

- - All of the signed celebrity photographs in the East Wing will be coming with us. Extra care for the signed Lindsay Lohan photo, she taught me my pre-game powder ritual at Bungalow 8 in 2004.

- - Pay no attention to the contract on my desk signed in blood for Mephistopheles.

- - Help yourself to the food Nike sent over. The burgers are made out of real Panda!

- - Remember to have fun while you’re moving all of my heavy shit!

If anyone is outside of my home protesting, just ignore them. I’m just doing the same thing white people have been doing since 1956: abandoning Cleveland!

Hugs and Kittens,

LeBron

Dog Haircuts Are Expensive

2011-01-20T14:09:00.000-08:00

My friend, Seth, was complaining about how it costs him $90 to get his dog a haircut while it's only $25 to get a haircut as a person.

Seth was less upset about the price difference when he realized that he doesn't go to the barber with feces in his hair.

Top 5

2011-01-18T08:21:00.000-08:00

Top 5 From Yesterday

5.) Daniel Kitson @ UCB's Whiplash!
- Kitson works in a calm , relaxed style. His crowdwork is deft and funny while never being mean.
Comedy is a wonderful meritocracy. Public fields which you can look like Daniel Kitson and still be successful: Comedy, Bowling and Tragic Russian Novelist.

4.) Wineglass
- My buddy and I had dinner last night at a really nice restaurant in The Village. I accidentally smacked a wineglass off the table. Do that at an Applebee's and YOU are the asshole. Some jerkoff will always clap. Everyone will turn and stare.
Do it at a place like Gradisca and it's the GLASS' fault. There's a crash followed by a tacit scramble by Italian waiter-ninjas. No one bats an eye.

It's as close as I'll ever come to feeling like a Duke. ...that's not necessarily a good feeling.

"Who dare put inferior stemware before me?!?!?!? (SMACKS IT OFF THE TABLE WHILE TELLING YET ANOTHER BORING ERG STORY) Now make haste of this silicate rubble, vulgar person! Careful not to cut yourself. You'll need those opposable thumbs for your lifetime of backbreaking labor!"

If Red Delicious hits, I will be broke again within 5 years because I'll be tipping 50%. Still feels nice to be on the come-up.

3.) Irish
- Was at an open bar and the bartender said, "I've been making a lot of rum drinks. You wouldn't want one cause you're a man..."

Totally not the case. I love delicious drinks. However, I have seven generations of Celtic alcoholic DNA running through my veins. Rum, or as it's referred to in Ireland "white wine", simply will not get the job done. I'm efficient.

2.) My French Roommate
- I have a French roommate. He's a good dude. Though he does get very, very defensive about being French.

We were talking about the recent protests in Paris over work rules and the fact that it's nearly impossible to fire French employees. My roommate tried to site a study which found the French actually work MORE than Americans. Study had been conducted by the French government. That study would only be accurate if the American survey group was our apartment. Matt Karl : "I rarely wake up on the wrong side of noon."

1.) Ricky Gervais
- "Please welcome Ashton Kutcher's Dad, Bruce Willis!"

Let him host every awards show forever. He's a genius and he's got FUCK YOU money. Only other guys who could do it are Seinfeld or Larry David.

Already been a backlash to his jokes. God forbid an awards show be entertaining.

- Highlight of the day.

Andres Du Bouchet on Comedy Writing

2011-01-17T07:08:00.000-08:00

Andres Du Bouchet is a writer for Conan. He's a fantastic guy to follow on Twitter. Here he blogs about the difficulty of writing comedy.

http://www.andresdubouchet.com/blog/post_5.html

Here's one of his sketches.

Tawwmy From Quinzee

2011-01-17T06:47:00.000-08:00

Tawwwwmy from Quinzeee weighs in on the Pats loss.

http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2011/01/i-am-now-in-fack-you-mode.html

Housewives...

2011-01-16T12:46:00.000-08:00

Real Housewives Of... is a much better title than the original choice, Rich Lady Kabuki Monsters.

Top 5 of 2010 : Films

2011-01-11T18:07:00.000-08:00

All of 2010 In Film

Best 5 Movies I Saw In 2010:

5.) True Grit

- Best written movie of the year. Every character sounds like they've got a 200+ IQ but they're not irritating. 'Inception' was boring. However, it was definitely the best movie I've seen this year that ended in the Bond level with the proximity mines and was based on a DuckTales comic.

4.) Inside Job

- The vast majority of financial executives, not stock brokers or investment managers, financial executives are thieves. If you can pick stocks and make money, well done. You have a gift. Hope you can manage my 401K.

But the guys who ran massive corporate banks produced nothing that would benefit other people yet made money like they were the Edison or Ford of their generation. They're not. Financial economy provides no lasting value. When you produce nothing of value but take millions, you're a fraud.

"Look I've got this pie you should invest in."
- "What type of pie?"
"It's a really fuckin' complex pie, ok. There's all types of words that only other people who also study pies will understand. You wouldn't get it. Now give me all of your money."
- "I would like to buy this pie with no downpayment so I can save money to send my kids to college. My concepts of what is a better life are entirely contained in 30 year-old Billy Joel songs."
"Your kids will enjoy their 'Sales& Marketing' degrees from Starvesylvania State..."
- ...hands over money.

3.) The Social Network

- Most surreal movie I saw this year. As I was sitting in the theater:

"Oh, hey, there's my boss. His kids are kind of heroes compared to this nerd who callously ditched his best friend. Shame El Jefe said it would be ok to take three weeks in LA working on a show then canned me over the phone the day before my return flight."

2.) Exit Through The Gift Shop

- How much time do you usually give a museum ? How long before thinking, "Ok. I just impressed myself. I am fucking SOAKED with culture. Let's return to the streets and walk among the PLEBIANS."

People who describe themselves as "artists" or "creatives" are usually neither. They're all talk; no action. Street artist profiled in this film, Banksy, is a lot of fun. Movie was a blast as Banksy invents a pseudonym, 'Mr. Brainwash' ...because 'Bill Belichick' was already taken.

1.) The Secrets In Their Eyes

Annnnnd now, an interview with someone else who counted this movie as the best of 2010, the World's Fanciest Man:

- Goooood, to see youuu, Luke Xavier. Still at work in the japes game? Must be putting in quite a bit of shoe leather in New York's Bohemian underbelly?

Ugh, seriously, Paul, what did you think of this movie?

- An exquisite piece of film making , I saw it with my beautiful girlfriend's beautiful girlfriend on a Viewfinder she keeps in her vintage liquor store she owns in Center City.

What's that called?

- "Restless Spirits"...do you get it?

Ugh. Yes.

- Did you get this film?

Yes. It's not a mystery.

- Oh good. I'm just so glad Campanella finally directed something mainstream. Please pass me the Bombay Sapphire. I drink it from my tea cup.

...

- Maybe next year, the Kurosawa of Argentinean cinema will make a film about something else you understand. Perhaps push-ups or Van Halen? I am needed at my corner cubicle. You simply reeeeeek of Pell Grants. I take my leave of you...

I hope you get SpaceAIDS.

Closer = The Ring

2011-01-11T17:42:00.001-08:00

'Closer' is like 'The Ring' for couples. Watch it and seven days later your relationship will die.

Conversation With Jesus

2011-01-05T07:45:00.001-08:00

Recently, I had the opportunity to briefly speak with Jesus of Nazareth. As you can imagine, it's really, really difficult to organize a sitdown with the King of Kings. He's a tough guy to get for an interview, like the Christian Bale of Supreme Beings. Interview happened at New Leaf Cafe in Washington Heights.

Transcript from conversation on 1/3/2011.

(Appears in a moment of instantaneous and overwhelming joy.)

Wow. Nice to see you. Congratulations on the big win by Texas Christian University in the Rose Bowl. You must be thrilled?
- I heard that on the way over. How'd Texas Muslim and Texas Jewish do?

I don't think those exist.
- Maybe eventually. I'm hopeful.

Wait, wouldn't they compete with you?
- Buddy, we're not networks competing for viewers. Considered properly, religions are each different flavors of the same sovereign veneration, the embodiment of a moral code. And like Omar said, "A man got to have a code."

(Editor's Note: Author of this post orders a steak salad. Son of Man orders a glass of red wine and the pumpkin gnocchi.)

How do you feel about Dawkins, Nietzsche and the 'God Is Dead' crowd?
- No one remembers the critics.

Anything people should know about you which you may feel they don't?
- Yes, lots of things. I'm a just and loving guy. I have strong opinions about Top Chef. Every year, I attend the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas and am consistently WOWed by what you guys come up with.

Also, we play a lot of pranks on each other. (Hands me his Droid with the picture below on it.)

Wow. Is that from Rio?
- Yes. Dad loves zapping that statue.

How do you feel about science?
- It's great. Keep progressing. Doesn't impede who I am, which is love.

That's pretty open-minded considering the stated opinions of the people who claim to represent you.
- The people who speak ABOUT me, don't speak FOR me. Many of them confuse the two. I made it clear in my ministry that they are mutually exclusive. Consider the Philadelphia Eagles: the fans speak ABOUT the team. They don't speak FOR the team. Do you often disagree with other fans and how they express themselves? Do you wish they could be more respectful and appreciate the common cause?

Yes.
- Same difference. I've always taught that people should treat each other with dignity and respect. There's fun in that. I promise.

So there is a Heaven?
- Champagne for my real friends. Real pain for my chump friends.

Ominous...
- There have to be consequences. That's the nature of free will.

You sound a little Old Testament there?
- Ahaha. Remember, I'm the Wedding at Cana God. I know a good time when I see one. Treat people with love and respect. Everything else falls in to place.

How do you feel about magic?
- It's the best. Always gets associated with the other guy, the Mourning Star, and I'm not sure why. After all, what were my miracles but magic tricks of unconditional love and kindness?

Anything you've learned in the 2000 years since your original ministry?

- All is neatly summarized in the 'Sermon on the Mount', most importantly, "Treat others as you would like to be treated."

Any other words of wisdom?

- Don't sweat the petty stuff and don't pet the sweaty stuff.

Is that an anti-sex message?

- Absolutely not. It's a hygiene thing. As long as the sex is predicated on love and not lies or abuse- again, Golden Rule - I'm ok with it.

How do you feel about Christmas?
- I am thrilled. It's at least one day per year where most of mankind is good to each other. Do I wish you didn't need to amass a mountain of debt that would make a Sherpa quake? Of course. But it's about making the most important people in your life feel appreciated. That's always a good thing. And the vast majority of your aren't fistfighting strangers for plasma tvs at 4AM on Black Friday. Some times, mankind gets tunnel vision on the negative. For the most part, you are good to each other.

Cake vs. Pie? Where do you stand?
- Here. You should check this web site. (Note: Web site immediately appeared in my mind's eye.) But my birthday is the biggest day of the year in the Western Hemisphere. ...and did your Mom bake a birthday cake or bring a pie to Christmas dinner?

Pie.
- I rest my case.

Why do bad things happen to good people?
-...
(He disappears in a flash of light too brilliant for me to comprehend. I'm left with a glowing, internal warmth and the knowledge someone else needed him.)

Top 50 Songs of 2010 : #10 - #1

2010-12-30T07:44:00.000-08:00

10.) Cake - Sick of You
- This band has been with me for 15 years. I went to visit my brother when he was a freshman at St. Joe's and he and all of his friends were listening to Cake's 'Fashion Nugget.' I went to the WALL in Lawrence Park and bought the album the next day. Always the most fun word choices in rock music; like if W.C. Fields was a rock star. Album doesn't come out for a few weeks but this single has been out for a couple of months.

9.) Best Coast - Boyfriend
- Writers' Assistant on the Norm Show, Leif Roswold, told me about them. Saw them live after and they're a lot of fun if you like Loretta Lynn lyrics to indie rock.

...but I've been wrecking shop at Columbia's erg practices to this song:

Robyn - Call Your Girlfriend

It's not gay as long as you can go sub 1:40 for 6K...or at least that's what the scary voice in my head tells me.

8.) The Hood Internet - Decalogue

- The last decade mashed-up.

Bands from this decade that will still be around in the next decade because they get along well and everything they do is high quality:

5. Arcade Fire

4. Matt & Kim

3. Daft Punk

2. Peter, Bjorn and John

1. The National

....9,975. Franz Ferdinand (Did their lead singer have a stroke? What happened to those guys?)

7.) Wild Nothing - Chinatown
- For a lot of these songs, I spent a few weeks listening to them non-stop. I'd literally binge on music then full stop. I listened to this guy's album "Gemini" as I drove all over the East Coast for a few weeks in the Fall. Haven't busted it out since. But shows just how long I spent in the truck then.

Pick up trucks are lots of fun to drive. When those truck commercials with Bob Seger would air as a kid, I never got it. Thought "How are they the best selling vehicles in the country? I don't know anybody who has one." My F150 made 200K miles. Those things are beasts! We should let the guy who designs the F150 handle education reform. Americans might still be dumb but we'd last forever and be really good at carrying shit up hills.

/ PROBLEM SOLVER!

6.) Katy Perry featuring Snoop Dogg - California Girls
- Listened to it so many times for a bit I did about Snoop:

"You're a Long Beach Crip, Sir. Act like one..."

I mean every word I say in that bit. Suge Knight really must be thrilled when he sees Snoop do shit like this. Snoop will do anything for a check and some craft services. He's the Bret Michaels of rap.

5.) Kanye West with Bon Iver - Lost In The World

- I feel like Kanye will be running music along with GirlTalk at the end of this decade. You know somebody is really good if they release a shit album and come back with a great effort. Kanye West's 808 Heartbreak was Weezer's Maladroit. Maladroit was a present from MommyBody when I was living in Eleuthera. "Tanks fer nuttin'! "

4.) Matt Pond PA - Specks

- I described this band as Matt Pond IPA until about three weeks ago. As though the band was a crisp, hoppy beer. Again, I'm a tool.

3.) Hood Internet - Just Wanna Dance Yrself Clean (Jay-Z vs. LCD Soundsystem)

- No idea what is going on with the picture of this girl in the youtube video. She looks deeply inconvenienced.

2.) GirlTalk - All Day

- When I found out a new album was released, I stopped what I was doing (going to buy apples) and went back to the Culver City studios to download it on a work computer. It wouldn't play unless I sync'd to my new laptop. I erased all of my previous music on my phone for this album. I wasn't disappointed.

1.) LCD Soundsystem - Home

- I've listened to this song every day since April 19, when Sparkler sent me a download. Talking Heads : This Must Be The Place :: LCD Soundsystem : Home

One of the best apps for the iPhone is Nike Run+. It tracks distance and speed on runs, graphs where the weaknesses are in distance running, etc. It also offers the option of a "PowerSong" to play when nearing the finish. I've used this one for the last mile of every run since April. The song is flawless.

"Curiosity Killed The Cat."

2010-12-30T07:19:00.000-08:00

"Curiosity killed the cat."

I don't think that's as much an indictment of curiosity as it is encouragement to not be a pussy.

ALTERNATE TAKE ON THE SAME PREMISE:

"Curiosity killed the cat."

Hey Curiosity!.... You're all right.

/Cat feces is linked to Schizophrenia. Click the link.

Songs of the Year : #20 - #11

2010-12-27T12:56:00.001-08:00

East Coast is snowed in.

Criteria: Based on number of plays on my iTunes. Mash-Up albums only count as 1 song.

20.) Wavves - Post Acid

- I always loved Blink-182 so I enjoyed this album.

/ Waits for Sparkler's snarky dissection of my shitty taste in music.
// Is actually a 19 year old boy in La Jolla.

19.) Dum Dum Girls - Everybody's Out

Feels like the Dum Dum Girls song is the natural evolution from Chuck Jackson's "Any Day Now." I've attended over 30 weddings in the last 7 years. Assuming the couple went with a live band, here is an algebraic formula for a great wedding reception:

{[(Wedding Guests < 200) + single, non-tiered space] x Open Bar } + 1.5 hours of Motown covers for the adults and to get the younger guests out on the floor + .5 hour of '80s and '90s dance hits while the band eats and recoups + 2 hours of a mix of modern hits, '80s/'90s songs and more Motown classics = Great wedding.
Nobody who is a good time ever said, "That was simply too much Motown."

'Hey Ya' by Outkast is the worst wedding song ever. Read the lyrics.

And the first group seems a little derivative of this song:

18.) Yeasayer - O.N.E.

- Band is almost indistinguishable from Hot Chip but both are fantastic so it all comes out in the wash.

17.) The Cave Singers - Beach House

- I've listened to this song on repeat for much of the last week. KingBaby's Dad comes up big again with a recommendation!
And God bless him for hosting my Mom for her annual Mary-annukah visit. What was supposed to be my Mom's overnight trip to Reading has instead magically transformed into 8 days and nights of her smoking on the back deck and sneaking KingBaby and his sister extra fruit snacks... like Reading is on war rations.
My Mom would've been a valuable asset during the Blitz. She can shoot a pack of fruit snacks at a grandkid like she's a magician whose only trick is overindulgence.

16.) Frightened Rabbit - Nothing Like You

- I could time my bike ride from Marina Del Rey to Culver City every morning based on this song. If it came on before I hit the 405, I needed to step on it.

If this band existed 20 years ago, they'd be massive. Instead, I'm left to surreptitiously play them on the jukebox at Union Hall and look for recognition among the people at the bar. ...I'm a tool.

15.) Vampire Weekend - Giving Up The Gun

- When I was 17, barely scrambled porn on our basement cable box also made sure I had wrists like steel.

/Still has a fetish for pixelated green women

14.) Hot Chip - I Feel Better

- Song sounds like it should play over the final credits of Final Fantasy XIII. It may, I just can't invest the 100 hours it would take to find out. I HAVE DICK JOKES TO WRITE! I AM AN A-DULT!!!

13.) Big Boi - Shutterbug

- I don't know anything about what is actually good in rap music. I listen to mash-ups then Google the lyrics of the song which got mashed up. Usually the DJ's version is better than the original. That or I just ask Dr. Burke Gallagher of Saginaw, Michigan.

12.) Hood Internet - R.Kelly vs. Baths : Maximal Burns
- I'm destroying my ears with my iPod when I work out. I can't help it. This song will be the reason I can't hear my kids piano recitals when they inherit my weird Van Cliburn hands.

"Well, why not work out to silence?"- you internally exclaim.
~ Are you a Trappist Monk? YOU try that shit at the gym. It's a prison sentence.

11.) The Gaslight Anthem - Queen of Lower Chelsea

- My friend met a guy at this same concert from which this video is taken. She is now pregnant. Coincidence? NOPE! I'd let that guitar riff have my babies.

Haiku Movie Reviews

2010-12-22T09:02:00.000-08:00

I look forward to seeing that film, 'Total Badass' about Austin, TX. I'll be at Capitol City in Austin twice in 2010- second weekend in March and the first weekend in September. Get psyched.

REVIEWS

Black Swan

Hostel : Ballet Dance?
Abilify commercial?
Torture porn for girls!

Tron

As a film? Awful.
As a Daft Punk video?
So satisfying.

The Fighter

Lowell's Mickey Ward,
Learns a lesson re: crackheads-
UNRELIABLE!

Top 50 Songs of the Year: 30 - 21

2010-12-21T06:20:00.000-08:00

30.) Titus Andronicus - A More Perfect Union

- Punk rock about the Civil War? Sure.

The most offensive racial slur for white people is not honky; it's "hipster." Call a white guy a "hipster" and he looks like he wants to choke you.

29.) LCD Soundsystem - Drunk Girls

- Better jokes than what I've been writing and he's doing it to music. James Murphy is like David Byrne but capable of smiling.
"Drunk girls wait an hour to pee/ drunk girls like to file complaints!"

28.) Sonny & The Sunsets - Too Young To Burn

- I'm a sucker for handclaps. It's the only reason I own so many Hot, Hot Heat tracks.

27.) Nicki Minaj - Your Love

- My Mom refers to this as "The Bidididibip-bip Song..."

26.) The New Pornographers - A Bite Out Of My Bed

- It's the New Pornographers! The band most frequently made fun of in my email groups!

25.) Broken Social Scene - Sentimental X's

- There are three dozen people in this band. It is Arrested Development for white people.
"A game of horseshoes. A game of horseshoooooeeesssss."

24.) The Joy Formidable - Whirring

- I was rowing a lot in Philadelphia this past Summer. I'd listen to this every morning as I pulled on to I-76 and tracked the course, checking where the flat spots would be.

23.) Kings of Leon - Pyro

- When I was a kid, anyone who ever had matches ever was immediately identified as a "pyro." The only other labels as ubiquitous were "spaz" and "prude." Spaz was for people who would change moods quickly. Prudes were people who had never kissed someone on the lips. E.g., I was a "prude" until I hooked up with Lauren Dudley on June 14, 1992.
...I am still a total spaz.

22.) Arcade Fire - We Used To Wait

- Arcade Fire : Marvel Superheroes :: Broken Social Scene : DC Superheroes
The differences are slight and nearly indistinguishable. ...and my girlfriends don't want to hear about any of them...

21.) The Black Keys - Tighten Up

Top 5 Concerts of the Year:
5.) Passion Pit - Terminal 5 (May have been number 1 if not at Terminal 5)
4.) Pavement - Central Park (In the rain)
3.) LCD Soundsystem - Terminal 5 (Last minute addition with Theo. Again, Terminal 5 is the worst.)
2.) Public Enemy - House of Blues in Boston with Erik Winters (The ideal audience and venue for America's hip-hop pioneers. I felt so white I was glazed...)
1.) Gaslight Anthem - Radio City (I could watch a NESCAC acapella group at Radio City and I'd still think it's an amazing show.)

Top 50 Songs of 2010: 40 - 31

2010-12-20T11:25:00.000-08:00

Criteria : Songs were released in late 2009 or 2010. Ranked on number of plays according to my iTunes playcount.

40.) Cee-Lo Green - Fuck You

- Late addition to the list but a fantastic song. Around the time they turn 30, people start to lock-in: to careers, to places, to each other. I've heard the same story a dozen times over the last year: "I was sleeping with _______ then a week later, __________ changed her status to "Engaged" on Facebook."

The vast majority of the time that decision is based on money. No one decides to break-up with a banker to date an actor at 30.

39.) 50 Cent - Get Up

- Tommy Papa opened for JB Smoove at Helium in early October. JB Smoove headlined and was coming out to this 50 Cent song and Tony Yayo's "So Seductive" and it was the most entertaining 5 minutes of stand-up I saw this year. Made me listen to 'Get Up' a dozen times at the Philadelphia Sports Club the next day.

38.) Laura Marling - I Speak Because I Can

- Top 5 Lessons of 2010

1. Stay loyal to your best friends. They always prove their worth. We are all just the sum of our relationships.
2. Los Angeles has a far better lifestyle but every conversation is insipid and tactical. Simultaneously.
3. It's not vacation without central air.
4. If your girlfriend's best friend tries to sign her up for 'The Bachelor', things aren't going as well as you'd hoped. Put a bow on it and move. There's no Band-Aid for being undermined. Time is our only penny.
5. Start with something natural. Audiences don't want to hear prepared jokes. Once they feel they know you, then you can launch into written material.

37.) Rick Ross - All I Do Is Win

- My friends and I play football on the Saturday before Christmas every year. I came in singing this song but stopped once we were getting lit up by Dave Walton,....star of 'Perfect Couples' airing Thursdays on NBC!

Though we totally shut down Krasinski!
(Editors' Note: That's because Krasinski wasn't there.)

36.) The Black Keys - Everlasting Light

- Broke my shoes stomping the floor to this one in LA.

35.) Mt. Desolation - State of Our Affairs

- Listened to this song in bumper-to-bumper traffic after the Head of the Charles. The Monday after the Head of the Charles causes the same sad empty pangs as the day after Christmas.

34.) Discovery - So Insane

- I've made a significant change in my diet over the last few months; going nearly paleo and removing as many processed starches as possible. I've also re-emphasized pull-ups and core work. The result has been a loss of 10 lbs and a significant return of core muscles and torso definition. I look like a menace at the gym....but this song or mash-ups are usually what I'm listening to.

My oldest brother used to toss around serious weight at Bonner's weight room. He'd listen to G'n'R or AC/DC or the Crue. Now I only listen to those bands when I'm drinking or calling in to the Delco Daily Times' "Speak Up" section to add some authenticity.

I bagged on the second half of the Eagles miracle comeback yesterday to go see 'Black Swan.' My brothers were texting me through the first hour of the movie. I told them where I was. My phone exploded with a series of texts that would have made Mel Gibson blush.

33.) LCD Soundsystem - Dance Yourself Clean

- Sugie organized the finest Uno Du Juno Tequila Tour I've ever attended. This quickly became the soundtrack.

32.) Mumford and Sons - Lion Little Man

- Band that I listen to and think, " Holy shit they are much better at expressing themselves than me." I appreciate what they do.

They were referenced through Sparkler through Win Keeeeeley!

31.) Anthony Jeselnik - Shakespeare

- Jeselnik released an album this year called "Shakespeare." Guy is an amazing joke writer. This was my fifth year of stand-up. I missed a lot of time when I should've been performing from ages 18-26. Jeselnik is like a Masters course in timing: have confidence in what you wrote and let the laughs come. Jeselnik was also on UCB's Whiplash! on March 22 when I did the show.

Top 5 Comedy Highlights of 2010:
5. Last Comic Standing TV Showcase + Whiplash! (3/22/2010)
4. Sports Show with Norm MacDonald Pilot Taping (11/17/2010)
3. Philly's Funniest Finals (8/29/2010)
2. Hosting at Helium and writing Norm submission backstage (9/10/2010)
1. Fox Pilot (9/24/2010)
- Not coincidentally, #1 was also the same day as my Mom's Birthday.

Why I Love The Internet...

2010-12-16T08:01:00.000-08:00

I have a lot of family in New England. This made me laugh very hard.

Top 50 Songs of the Year: 50 - 41

2010-12-10T12:17:00.000-08:00

Criteria: Songs released this year. Based on number of plays according to my iTunes. Mash-up Albums only get counted as a single song.

50.) RaRaRiot - The Orchard

- When I was growing up, my brothers would often call each other "RaRa." But it was short for "RaRa Retard" , which is why this band's name makes me feel like I just got caught throwing all of my candy for Bonner's 'Sports Fee Drive' into Nailor's Run Creek.

49.) The Hold Steady - Sweet Part of the City

- One of my favorite parts about this band is that a rabbi in my building looks EXACTLY like the lead singer. I like to imagine that it actually is him and he's stepping out on his JUDASTIC obligations to lead this rock ensemble. Adds a personal element to every concert. Also, their description of the "sweet part of the city" reminds me of a joke Matt Goldich used to tell. How New York ruined him because friends would always take him to the cool parts of their city...and it looked like the Upper East Side on a Tuesday night. The coolest part of Indianapolis looks like 1996.

48.) The Gaslight Anthem - Boxer

- My friend through Andrew Sparkler, David Stoner, passed away tragically last week. His memorial service is tomorrow. Dave was 33. He collapsed and doctors were unable to resuscitate.

The last time I saw Dave was when he asked if I'd like his extra ticket to see these guys at Radio City. We were approximately 20 rows from the front. One of the best concerts I've ever attended and he's actually WON the tickets. I will forever associate him with this band, who are an excellent mix of The Bouncing Souls and Springsteen.

47.) Gorillaz - White Flag

- This song is great but this band lost its fastball once Del left the group. Here is 'Mastermind' off of Deltron 3030, the best rap album of the last decade.

46.) The National - Bloodbuzz Ohio

- Video is so twee that it is kind of annoying. What is he doing in that park? But the band itself is excellent.

45.) The Henry Clay People - Working Part Time

- National anthem for the underemployed.

44.) Kanye West w/ Beyonce - See Me Now

- The difference between Black and White America? When Beyonce comes in after the second verse. "Whatchoo say when your people get out of jail?"
Ummm, in my house it wouldn't be anything good and probably not something that person would want to hear.

43.) Jakob Dylan - Everybody's Hurting

- Great song about the tragedy of the current economy, which one of my banker friends described as "End of Days." If Jakob manages a career resurgence, I will have to retire the joke about him and how you shouldn't go in to a line of work where your Dad knocked it out of the park already.

That joke ate 2 minutes of silence with a side of awkward smiles last weekend at Helium.

42.) Discovery - So Insane

- Same lead singer as Ra Ra Riot

41.) Sleigh Bells - Rill Rill

- This is KingBaby's jam! He loves this song. Watched him get down to it on Thanksgiving when he was high on pumpkin pie.
This is a special fan video remixed with Strangers With Candy clips and Amy Sedaris, writer David Sedaris' sister.

What an asshole...

2010-12-08T19:58:00.000-08:00

There is a gentleman named Nick Madson who performed many bits originally written by other, more successful comics. He was called out on it. Read what happens from there on Patton Oswalt's blog.

http://www.pattonoswalt.com/index.cfm?page=spew&id=144##view

Top 5 John Lennon Songs

2010-12-08T07:55:00.000-08:00

"We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life."

— John Lennon

Top 5 John Lennon Songs:

5.) Working Class Hero
- This sounds like an acoustic 'Dropkick Murphys' song.

4.) Oh Yoko
- Beatles break-up wasn't Yoko's fault.

3.) Luck of the Irish
- Lennon was a friend to United Ireland.

2.) Jealous Guy
- Soundtrack to every fight with a girlfriend, ever.

1.) Imagine
- One of the Top 10 most frequently played songs in the history of rock radio.

Top 5 Anecdotes from Mark Bowden's Bringing The Heat

2010-12-07T09:02:00.000-08:00

Bringing The Heat is the story of the '92 Philadelphia Eagles, the final year in which the Eagles had their dominant defense, the final year which they were really led by Randall Cunningham and the final run of Norman Braman.

Cannot recommend the book more highly.

Top 5 Anecdotes from Bringing The Heat:

5. Randall Cunningham Uses His 'Commanding Voice'
- Randall Cunningham was the prototype for all "running quarterbacks", which is such a codified way of describing black QBs that pundits may as well just describe them as "urban game managers" or "inner-city field generals."
But Randall fancied himself more than just a quarterback. He thought he was bound to be the "Michael Jackson of football", a crossover star.
Anecdote: in a game in Buffalo, left tackle Ron Heller begged Randall to speak louder. Because they were playing in a massive, raucous crowd of people mostly screaming for Randall's decapitation. Randall told Ron Heller that he would not be screaming because his therapist told him to use a "low, commanding voice" to "insure your peers respected you." No word if Randall ever attempted to command respect by not talking like he was Mayor of the Moon.

4. Andre Waters = The Dre Master
- Andre Waters is a legendary Eagles safety. Vicious and cunning, Waters was thought to have attempted to hurt opponents and this book confirms it.
Andre's defense was that he never attempted to hurt those men. Andre Waters was a Christian Soldier. (He would cover his tape with a different Biblical Psalm he'd bring to bear on the opposition.) Waters insisted the low hits, the near crippling of receivers who dared to venture across the middle, that was the work of The Dre Master. Waters insisted he had no recollection of parts of games; it was Dre Master who was on the field then. Not coincidentally this is exactly how a paranoid schizophrenic thinks.
Anecdote: Waters yelling for teammates to hold up Emmit Smith so he can break his leg on a gang tackle.

3. Nobody Likes Seth Joyner
- The heroes of the book are Reggie White, Ron Heller and Eric Allen. The villains, unquestionably, are Norman Braman, Rich Kotite and Seth Joyner. Seth Joyner is menacing when he's not busy being unlikable. Just a terrible guy.
Anecdote: Seth Joyner brought both his wife and girlfriend to the Pro Bowl after the '91 season. His wife followed him around the lobby of the hotel in Hawaii wearing nothing but a robe and begging Seth to come back and see their daughter. Seth refused. Wow is that guy an asshole. Even his teammates hated him.

2. Jerome Brown Was King
- I remember playing Sega Genesis in my basement the day Jerome Brown died. Uwe Blab was lighting up the center-less Bulls again in Bulls Vs. Blazers And The NBA Playoffs. G-Cobb made the announcement about Jerome Brown's death and speaking between deep sobs. I thought Jerome was another reckless pro athlete. This book proves Jerome was hilarious, explains why his teammates loved him and dedicated the '92 season in his honor.
Anecdote: Jerome carried six children off the field at his football camp. They weren't hurt. He was just giving them a ride on the 'Jerome-alufagus.'

1. Mrs. Wes Hopkins Don't Play!
- Every guy on the Eagles has a wife and at least one girlfriend, except for Ron Heller. Safety Wes Hopkins made no attempt to hide his side pieces, expecting his wife to understand. She did not. When Erika Hopkins discovered Wes had given his mistress tickets, she exploded and took matters in to her own hands.
Anecdote: Wes' side piece was named Amy and she was a white girl from Delaware County. (...Of course.) Erika Hopkins confronted her at a game during the '92 season. Amy gave her lip annnnndddd FACEPUNCH! Amy attempted to get away from Erika but she ran right in to Mrs. Eric Allen, who was waiting at the top of a flight of stairs in the "Wives' Section." Mrs. Allen promptly pushed the floozy back to Erika Hopkins for some more punishment. All of the happened in the field level seats at The Vet. If this happened today, the youtube.com video would lead Sports Center.

Top 5 Kindle Book Reviews

2010-12-01T09:00:00.001-08:00

I've been bouncing around a lot over the past couple of months. Spent fewer than 3 nights in my own bed. My constant companion has been my 'Kindle.'

It is a compact beast. Battery life runs for hundreds of hours. 3G wifi access capable of downloading books from Amazon in seconds. E-books are all priced 50% less than hardcover books.

Combination of lots of flights and down time resulted in cruising through a dozen books. Worst book was 'Imperial Bedrooms' by Brett Easton Ellis. It's a lazy book. Should have come with postage stamps on the front because he mailed it in.

5.) Phil Rosenthal - You're Lucky You're Funny
- Memoir from the showrunner of Everybody Loves Raymond. Fascinating look inside how a successful show is created and sustained. "Write funny situations not funny jokes." It's the same advice Larry David and Ricky Gervais give about writing comedy. It's more than a coincidence.

4.) Michael Bamberger - The Man Who Heard Voices
- One reporter is given unprecedented access to M. Night Shyamalan. There are very few directors whose every movie I will see: David Fincher, Guy Ritchie (but Layer Cake kind of proved he wasn't the sole talent behind his movies) , Peter Jackson, Jean-Pierre Jeunet (guy who did Very Long Engagement), Martin Scorcese and a few others. Shyamalan was one of those guys until Lady in the Water. The book chronicles how he was indulged and how he deluded himself into thinking his immense talent was beyond criticism. He broke off his relationship with Disney and hasn't made a good movie since.

3.) Gary Shteyngart - Super Sad True Love Story
- The directors listed above have a blank check, I'll see every movie they make. There are a few writers where I'll read anything they write: Shteyngart, James Boice, and a few others. This book is a little like Idiocracy combined with 1984. It is simultaneously funny and mildly terrifying.

2.) Born to Run - Christopher McDougall
- I am not a natural born runner. I have to work at it. I'd spend hours every Summer putting in mile after mile in Avalon's soft sand. Then I'd get back to Brown and still get shitbeat by Austen and Ben Temple.
This is the story of a tribe of near mystic runners in Mexico: men and women who complete ultramarathons during the day, drink until dawn, then repeat. The book inspired the free-running craze currently making sure at least one person at the gym is on the treadmill in bare feet. NEWBS!

1.) Mark Bowden - Bringing the Heat
- I love the Philadelphia Eagles. This is the story of their '92 season from a reporter who was given unprecedented access to the team. '92 was the last for the dominant defense led by Reggie White. They'd all be gone within a couple of years. Anecdotes in the book are nearly incredible and require a Top 5 all their own.

Top 5 Songs for Your Thanksgiving Weekend

2010-11-24T06:37:00.001-08:00

Headed home today. Already received my first handjy from the TSA.

Will be putting up my Mom's Christmas decorations on Friday morning.

Mary Cunningham leaves her Christmas decorations up until I take them down some time near Valentine's Day because Mary Cunningham is metal!

How metal? - you ask.

MOST METAL!!!

Top 5 songs for you to make awkward small talk with people you didn't like in high school.

5.) Band of Horses - Georgia

"Oh cool. You're managing the Verizon kiosks at the King of Prussia Mall. You keep drinking that cup full of win. I've got a dollar for the jukebox and you've got a little diddy called ' My Way' coming at you. Cause you don't just believe every word of that song, you live it. It's your world tonight..."

4.) House of Pain - Jump Around

"Nahhh, it don' mattttterrrrr. Werth can' do shit wit out Howard or Rollins hittin' around him. Yo, how'd you get a job writin' sports jooookes? You don' know shit about sports? Weren' you on the crew team an' shit?"

(True story I just made up: This video was shot at Casey's in Drexel Hill.)

3.) Spoon - Black Like Me

"Jesus, Mom. I'm fine. No, I'm fine. I'll be ok. It just didn't work. No, I'm not going to end up like Uncle Robby, plenty of education and no kids. Relax..."

2.) Kanye West and Bon Iver - Lost In The World

"Well, it's just a pilot in development. It's not guaranteed to be on tv or anything yet. Yes, he kind of gets ahead of himself. Oh, I don't think I'll have anything to do with casting it. Wow, your niece is 'adorable' like you said. Do you keep her headshots on you at all times? Cool, ummm, I'll give it to a casting director if we ever have one....I think I hear Papa calling me from the other side of the bar..."

1.) The Rolling Stones - Miss You

" That's so amazing that you found your soul mate in the same class at Prendie. I mean, I remember when she dated Kuchler, but you're right. Her heart was always with you. ...I haven't received a save the date yet, but don't worry. It's no trouble...you don't have to. Oh, Memorial Day weekend? Yeah, that IS cool. So everyone can party on a Sunday, that's true. I'm sure Phoenixville has a beautiful VFW..."

Top 5 Celebrity Photo Bombs

2010-11-23T12:59:00.000-08:00

Top 5 Celebrity Photo Bombs:
5. Will Ferrell bombs the New York Times wedding announcement of Jessie Fuller (Lady) and Buck Rodgers (Groom), a pair of PAs who worked on 'The Other Guys.'
Why does he go with 'Buck'? Is that his birth name?
Ever meet a man under 75 whose name is Richard but he goes with 'Dick'? That's a power move.
Like choosing the name 'Buck' if your last name is Rodgers. If he CHOSE 'Buck', power move. If his parents NAMED him 'Buck'- that's an awful choice and sentenced him to 3 years of prison which he called "middle school."

4. Daniel Craig photo bombs Taylor Swift and her friend.
AMBER ALERT! AMBER ALERT!
...It appears to have been set off by your mustache, Mr. Bond.

3. Dave Grohl bombs Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson at the VMAs in 2003, when 'Newlyweds' was still a big show.
Best story I heard while I was in LA for the past month: While she was on the set of Pete Wentz's MTV show, Ashlee Simpson screamed at her sister, Jessica, "No! If he puts it in your ass, that counts! You have slept with him!"
...kind of explains the 'Sexual Kryptonite' label John Mayer gave Jessica Simpson.

2. Paul McCartney bombs George Harrison.
Biggest rock band in history and those guys loved each other. Wasn't your fault, Yoko. It was bound to happen that 3 geniuses would need to try to make it on their own.

1. Thom Yorke from Radiohead bombs a tourist's photo in Italy. Good-natured and pretentious hipster in me says that she immediately went and asked a question about "Gagging Order." Obnoxious and pretentious hipster in me says, "Gahhhh, she doesn't even recognize who he is."

Either way, this photo is awesome.

The painting in the background is Raphael's 'School of Athens'. The painting is on the cover of Charles Van Doren's 'History of Knowledge.' A print of it was above my bed all 4 years of college. You got to see a lot of heavy petting and lowered at expectations there, 'School of Athens' print! Hope you enjoyed it more than I did...

Top 5 Songs For Your Weekend

2010-11-14T15:25:00.000-08:00

5.) Death Cab For Cutie - Tiny Vessels

Feel like I'm having a fling with the West Coast. I'll never settle here.

4.) David Bowie - Panic In Detroit

- Bowie's live album was recorded at The Tower Theater in Upper Darby. Ben Folds just played there this past Saturday. Wish Upper Darby would just flatten huge sections of the town and start over...like Detroit has started to do.

3.) Ben Folds - Always Someone Cooler Than You

- First choice for theme song to 'Red Delicious.' We've got the credits plotted out, show Red running in slow motion past most of the other characters somewhere in Upper Darby. I'd love to pitch it to him, tell Ben I opened for him on May 10, 2008 at Drexel University, day after my Dad was buried.

2.) Cali Swag District - Teach Me How to Dougie

- This video will be in the Sports Show pilot.

1.) Eddie Money - Take Me Home Tonight

- Finally went out in LA with Austen and Palmer last night. Lots of '80s mash-ups. This song was the foundation of the best one I heard. Dave Walton remains the funniest man I've ever met.

Top 5 Houses

2010-11-12T13:14:00.000-08:00

Yahoo posted a story about famous houses that are now available for rent or purchase.

All of those look beautiful, particularly the R.M. Schindler "Space Architecture" house.

Here are the Top 5 Houses in which I'd like to live:

5. 450 Sycamore Los Angeles, CA
- The house from the movie Mulholland Drive. Open floor plan provides plenty of light and the house is surrounded by water. The greenery keeps the home naturally cool.

4. Townhouse in the Sky : TriBeCa, New York, NY

$28 Million dollars for 5 stories built on top of an old industrial building. Like having a loft and a townhouse built in to a single home.

3. Top of a Deconsecrated Church: 24th and Ranstead Street, Philadelphia

- As more neighborhoods are gentrified by a generation that doesn't attend Church, more apartments like this will become available. Beautiful stone construction will always be attractive and nobody did that better than the Catholic church. This former parish backs up to the Schukylkill River with apartments that were the top of the Sacristy.

2. Parco Retiro Converted Firewatcher Apartments: Madrid, Spain
- Converted from the temporary apartments of the firewatchers of Parco Retiro in Madrid. These buildings were built for teams of firemen who'd stay in Madrid's major park over Spain's long, dry Summers. Modern water systems made the firewatchers and their homes obsolete. Homes were retrofitted for modern living but kept most of the lines the same.

1. Lake Washington Lofts: Seattle, Washington

- Beautiful apartments that overlook Lake Washington, which dominates Seattle and its surrounding towns. I'd be able to wake up, launch and row, then come back and walk to downtown with my husky. Seattle is like Venice for hippies.

Top 5 on My iPod

2010-11-09T13:49:00.000-08:00

I just had burgers with the deadspin.com guys: AJ and Drew. Both seem like great dudes.

Top 5 Songs on My iPod Right Now:

5.) BreakBots- I'm All Yours

4.) The Decemberists- Los Angeles, I'm Yours

Beautifully written song though not exactly a ringing endorsement of the town I'm currently calling home. "An ocean's garbled vomit on the shore/ Los Angeles, I'm Yours."

I don't think anyone is allowed to like this town. You have to say it's fake and it's not New York. Those are the best parts of being here. The sprawl is terrible and Austen is as close as I come to family for a thousand mile radius but it is not a bad place to live. I wouldn't want to get married and raise kids here, but I wouldn't want to do that in New York either.

3.) Led Zeppelin - All of My Love

Started in August when Philadelphia comic, Amir Gollan played the opening chords with his accordion. I've listened to this song almost every day since.

2.) Plastic Little - Steven and Billy

This is the video for "Rap O'Clock" because it's more interesting to watch. But Steven and Billy is the best song from this rap outfit from Philadelphia.

1.) Rolling Stones - Sweet Virginia

Wish Ed Cunningham would have gotten to see what I'm doing now. If only to send him 9 pages of jokes every day and give him a pile of King Racing gear. (That guy was a real gear fiend.)

Casimir Pulaski's Election Reaction

2010-11-03T10:17:00.000-07:00

Obama based his campaign on promising change, massive change. Once elected, he had an unimaginably perfect opportunity to provide exactly that: a Democratic majority in both houses of Congress, a previous administration that had disgusted and alienated the American public by revealing itself as being corrupt to the very core, and a cataclysmic economic disaster that left the American electorate -- which has never been supportive of huge, wealthy companies -- ready to hang bankers in the streets. Obama had a chance to bend the financial system over his knee and make massive changes in favor of the middle class, squeezing huge concessions out of the banks and insurance companies, and neither they nor the politicians who are in their pockets couldn't have done jackshit about it. In February 2009, what politician would have been suicidally foolhardy enough to come out and made arguments in favor of keeping the super-rich rich?

But Obama gave in to the wishy-washy ineptitude and political cowardice that has characterized the Democratic Party for my entire lifetime; he focused on healthcare and let the Republicans define the terms of the game, and as a result, absolutely nothing has changed. The healthcare legislation is an ineffective monstrosity that gave the insurance firms and the drug companies exactly what they wanted, and if the financial system has changed in any appreciable way over the past two years, I'm not aware of it.

So fuck this administration, for not doing what it promised, for letting us all down, and for deepening ever further my longstanding conviction that politics and politicians are all craven, insufferable whores.

It's a goddamn shame that Hunter Thompson is dead, P.J. O'Rourke has declined into cranky, reactionary senescence, Joe Queenan has turned his hand to autobiography, and Matt Taibbi often seems more concerned with saying "fuck" and creating tempests in media teapots than with wielding his journalistic power effectively. If it weren't for Jon Stewart, I'd have given up hope.

Terry O'Neill: Proper Geezer

2010-10-28T15:20:00.000-07:00

This is my coworker at WinTech, Terry O'Neill. He's the WinTech rep in England, where the company is also known as OARSport. He's released a few videos. All hilarious and Terry describes himself as "a proper Geezer." He sounds like a character from 'In the Loop' describing boats. I'm sold.
Top 5 Quotes from this video.

5.) "Bish-Bosh. Gold medals..."
- It's that easy to T-Pain.

4.) "About a year ago, got a call from America..."

3.) "..over to Belarussia..."
- Love that it's called "Belarussia."

2.) "...by a gnat's cock."
- Terry works blue.

1.) "If you're a girl, and you want to be successful in this game, don't be a mug. Get yourself a WinTech..."
- That right there is the Alec Baldwin's "ABC" speech of boat sales. Amazing.

Song from my morning...

2010-10-20T13:44:00.000-07:00

It has rained in LA every day since I arrived. I moved to Los Angeles and Seattle broke out. This is the song that was playing in my head as I rode my shitty Craigslist bike the 6.5 miles to Culver Studios.

Top 5 on my iPod

2010-10-19T14:16:00.001-07:00

It's been a big few weeks. Currently in California until mid-November. Will be doing a lot of stand-up shows in LA area as of next week.

Top 5 on my iPod right now:

5. Ben Folds - Belinda

- What happens to the one-hit wonders who leave the women that inspired their one hit? Ben Folds new album with Nick Hornby is my favorite of the year so far.

4. The Gourds - Gin and Juice

- Moved out here Sunday. I am living in Marina Del Ray near the studio in Culver City for the pilot. I've been riding a bike bought on Craigslist to work. There's no one on the roads in the morning. LA at 8AM looks like the Upper West Side at 4AM. I wonder when or if this economy will recover. Every dude under 35 has a neck tattoo.

3. Nicki Minaj - Your Love

- Weird hip hop is the best. Even though she's talking about the same themes- holding it down for her man, etc. - she does it in a novel way and with an Annie Lennox sample my Mom recognized. Lyrics like a Lady ODB.

2. Ice Cube - Good Day

- There's a radio station in LA, 93.5, which plays nothing but classic hip hop. Austen's wife told me this song plays every hour on the hour. She was dead on. I could not endorse this station more strongly. Note what time Ice Cube gets his day started. The East Coast is also FIGURATIVELY three hours ahead of the West Coast as 9AM seems to be dawn in the LA Metroplex.

In 1993, Jason Hickey wore the EXACT same outfit (orange Cross Colours jeans and weird matching shirt) to Bonner's Admissions Test as the little girl who walks into the Cube Family home at the start of the video. Mr. Hickey is currently a photography curator at the Philadelphia Art Museum. Please tell him I sent you and remind him of this outfit.

1. LCD Soundsystem - Someone Great

- My favorite, most memorable, most evocative song.

'Weeds' on TV Guide

2010-10-12T09:06:00.000-07:00

As most people are aware, America has been fighting a War on Drugs since General Nancy Regan first took to the narcotics battlefield on a very special episode of Different Strokes in 1983. The front lines of the War on Drugs were America’s airwaves. It was well established that if children were exposed to anti-drug messages with D-list celebrities and laughably terrible production values, they were far less likely to use drugs.

The PSAs of the ‘80s and ‘90s met with tremendous success. Which is why America is the place it is today. Most established anti-drug crusaders acknowledge victory; there hasn’t been a joint smoked in America- aside from a few wayward hippies in California- since 1999. The corny PSAs were almost too successful. A corny PSA has not been made since 1996, as evidenced by the clips below.

LXC Maps

Real Househusbands of Philadelphia : Part 2

Free Market

Flappers in Burbank. Tonight- 8PM Show for $5

May 5

Top 5 Songs For Your Week

Adorable

The Comedy Store- Tonight @ 10

Clip Artsy

Top 5 for 4/21

Like A Rock

Top 5 Songs For Your Week

The Real Househusbands of Philadelphia

State by State Haikus : California

State by State Haikus : Arizona

State by State Haikus : Utah

State by State Haikus : New Mexico

State by State Haikus : Texas

State by State Haikus : Oklahoma

State by State Haikus : Missouri

State by State Haikus : Illinois

State by State Haikus: Indiana

State by State Haikus : Ohio

State by State Haikus: Pennsylvania

State by State Haikus: New Jersey

State by State Haikus: New York

State By State Haikus: Connecticut

State by State Haikus: Rhode Island

Casimir Pulaski on Country Music

Top 5 Songs For Your Week : Rushmore Edition

Drew Magary's 'Haters Guide to the Field of 68'

The Situation Bombing

What It's Like To Bomb

Galifianakis on SNL + Gotham Sunday night and Monday night

Muppet Morality Grid

Top 5 Songs for Your Week

Casimir Pulaski on The Oscars

My Favorite Lady: Greer Childers

George Carlin Dubstep

Top 5 Songs For Your Week

Top 5 Oscar Tweets

Charlie...Charlie...Charlie.

Top 5 Songs For Your Week

Born That Way

Top 5 Songs For Your Weekend

Oh Montreal

Real Talk

Hipster Ariel

Top 5 Songs For Your Week

New Between Two Ferns

Super Bowl Halftime and the Fall of Man

Top 5 Animals I Want To Hunt

Michael Eisner's Working Together : Why Great Partnerships Succeed

Top 5 Songs for Your Week

Top 5 Obama Depictions

Vegetarians...

Top 5 : Robyn's Album

Awkward Prom

Michelle Bachman's Speech < Misleading...

Fruity Pebbles

Patton Oswalt on Creativity

Top 5 On My iPod This Week

Cats

Top 5 Video Game Characters Who Look Like They'd Be Terrible Stepdads

LeBron's Letter To His Movers

Dog Haircuts Are Expensive

Top 5

Andres Du Bouchet on Comedy Writing

Tawwmy From Quinzee

Housewives...

Top 5 of 2010 : Films

Closer = The Ring

Conversation With Jesus

Top 50 Songs of 2010 : #10 - #1

"Curiosity Killed The Cat."

Songs of the Year : #20 - #11

Haiku Movie Reviews

Top 50 Songs of the Year: 30 - 21

Top 50 Songs of 2010: 40 - 31

Why I Love The Internet...