- The Panera on Lincoln Blvd. just asked me for first month, last month and security deposit. It has every right. I'm here about 20 hours per week writing this rom-com treatment because it feels too weird writing it at the office. The Panera and I are just friends, though I'd definitely get the Cuban Panini pregnant if it asked.
/Cuban Panini and I are just Facebook friends.
The majority of stand-up shows I've booked over the last three years have been booked through Facebook. I'd love to get off of there if I could. Because nothing incites a tiny panic in me as regularly as "________" tagged you in a Facebook "______."
4.) Soul Coughing - Circles
- I worked on TV Guide's Royal Wedding coverage with Kathy Griffin last week. Top 3 jokes that didn't make it:
1. The wedding is on a Friday because it's crazy expensive to rent Westminster Abbey on a weekend.
2. Swaziland's King was a controversial invite. Whackjobs in Swaziland insist he can't be King of Swaziland because they believe he was actually born on the South Side of Chicago.
3. (Kathy talks about having ginger babies with Prince Harry.) Did you know when Ginger babies open their eyes underwater they can see the future?
3.) Bearbot - Stuntin' Like My Only Swerving
- Can you feel it in the air? That special time of year when decorations go up and there's an Axl Christ in your mall food court? It's UNO DU JUNO!
Then we are biking to Baja Cantina for fresh fruit margaritas. HACK YOUR OWN MANGO STATION! The 3rd Movement in this drunken bike symphony will be a barbecue at the LMU Boathouse accompanied by a mariachi band that I found on Craigslist.
2.)Kate & Anna McGarrigle - Heart Like A Wheel
- I finished Tina Fey's Bossypants this week. Book made me laugh out loud at least once per page. She's the best comedy writer working. She's also from my hometown, Upper Darby.
When I was a kid, I would wake up at 7AM every day of the Summer. I had to be quarantined for three hours by my Dad. If he didn't, I would have started knocking on doors at 7:05 to see who wanted to play box hockey at the Tot Lot. I interrupted a number of families at breakfast before Ed Cunningham instituted the "No Knocking On Doors Before 10AM" Rule.
Tot Lot was a program for latchkey kids run by local parks over the Summer. Rather than go to school, you would report to your local park to learn how to make crafts (some) or learn how delicious glue is (most). Box hockey is a sport pictured here:
Though they look like their playing with props from Game of Thrones and we played with 9" long wooden sticks. Their court looks like what the Ivan Drago of box hockey would train on.
One time the Tot Lot took us to Upper Darby's Summer Stage, which is where Tina Fey started her career. I watched a production of Our Town when I was 9. I'm sure I leaned forward and looked earnest but I understood NONE of it. I was good at convincing other kids that I understood adult things like plays, mustaches, and how you could only conceive a child via anal sex. (True childhood story best told another time.)
Summer Stage used "Heart Like A Wheel" between the second and third acts of Our Town. In the Summer of 1988, I asked my Dad to buy three cassingles: this song, Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock's "It Takes Two", and Samantha Foxx's "I Wanna Have Some Fun." Between these and stealing Owen's copy of "Appetite For Destruction" my musical taste made no sense from an early age.
/Notice it's still AXL Christ that's the mascot for our fake holiday.
1.) The New Pornographers - Failsafe
Bin Laden's extermination nearly broke the internet. Nice job, Navy Seals. Nice job, Obama Administration. Now that he's buried, we begin the long journey of finding his 7 mystical horcruxes.
Top 5 Twitter Jokes:
5. @TedAlexandro: When I saw 'Bin Laden Killed' I thought, "Afghanistan had its correspondents dinner last night?"
4. @ DaveAnthony: "I loosened it." - George W. Bush
3. @NateBargatze: Things are pretty awkward in my cab right now.
2. @OsamaInHell: Standing and cheering at my death is the most exercise Americans have gotten in years.
1. @RobDelaney: First killing pirates and now Bin Laden, he may not be American but Obama is definitely part of the Justice League.
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