Jobber Top 5

I am at UCB Sunday afternoon for improv at 3PM. Then I am at UCB again on Monday night at 9PM for a "Don't Touch Me There" show. Also, I'm back at Gotham on Wednesday, November 1st at 8PM. I am starting to like my new jokes.

UCB is on 26th and 8th Ave.


I am a jabronie comedian. I go up early. No one knows who I am. I exist solely to provide fodder until the line-up gets to someone a crowd will recognize.

Jabronies have a rich history.

Jabronie is an evolution from "Jobber", the generic wrestlers in the WWF who wrestled on the undercard against more established names. Jobbers were a blank slate on which WWF Superstars could paint a rich panorama of their talent. They were there to get pounded. And they were great at it.

Top 5 Jobbers:

5.) Koko B. Ware

Koko was on the only wrestling card I ever saw in person. It was at the Philadelphia Spectrum in 1989. My Dad took me. He should be sainted.

[Doubt he suspected that 17 years later I'd be making pretentious Tony Kushner jokes in clubs all over New York. Also in 1989, I had a rattail haircut with lines shaved into the side of my head. There is a fine line between negligence and laissez-faire parenting.]

Koko was a black guy who inexplicably came to the ring with a parrot on his shoulder. He flapped his arms a lot. He also wrestled with another black jobber, Special Delivery Jones [Black mailman gimmick] in a tag team called the "PYT Express."

PYT is the best Michael Jackson song not on the 'Thriller' album. Pictures of Koko can be seen here. Just let your SOULLLLLLL GLOOOOOOOOWW!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Ware_(wrestler)


4.) Lanny Poffo

"Macho Man" Randy Savage's brother who wreslted as "Leapin' Lanny" and "The Poet." Later as "The Genius." He would read a poem to his opponent and then get his ass kicked. Because his brother was a respected wrestler, he was more of a "Jobber To The Stars", meaning he would get to hit a few moves before getting flexed on.


3.) Honky Tonk Man

Honky Tonk Man held the Intercontinental Belt for the longest period in history. Crowds LOATHED this guy. He was essentially an Evil Elvis. He would play the guitar, poorly, in the middle of the ring while the "Mouth of the South" Jimmy Hart celebrated around him. Cheat to win, that was Honky Tonk's philosophy.

Then he won a match at Survivor Series and started running his mouth, claiming he could beat anyone in the WWF locker room.

The Ultimate Warrior responded to the challenge. I can't even begin to describe how nasty the Ultimate Warrior was in 1989. Warrior's music results in a Pavlovian reaction. It just makes me want to pillage.

Warrior hit the ring and destroyed The Honky Tonk Man in seconds. Honky Tonk's career never recovered. He was wrestling on the shite Saturday morning TV shows within a few months. He did make the WWF Superstars video game.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/WWF_Superstars

2.) Steve Lombardi/ "Brooklyn Brawler

Really the standard-bearer in jobber history. He NEVER won. So bad that his lack of talent was used as an angle. Bobby "The Brain" Hennan said he could turn anyone into a champion. He selected Lombardi and turned him into "The Brooklyn Brawler." Then turned the "Brawler" on former Hennan lackey, "The Red Rooster." Hideous matches resulted because they were both terrible.

1.) Ted Lee

No entrance music. No uniform aside from a generic black singlet. No offense. No defense either. Eminently forgettable. The apotheosis of all things jabronie.

My older brother used to yell, "I'm Hulk Hogan. You're Ted Lee!" Then an ass-kicking would commence. One of the most vicious things my brother ever did was to take my ankles and clap them together like chalkboard erasers.